Page 88 of Not For Keeps
I stare at him, stunned. “You don’t even know her.”
“I can. I want to,” he says, desperate now. “I want to be a real father. I want to make this right.”
I shake my head slowly, trying to absorb the audacity. “You’ve had seven years, Nico. Seven. Every single day you could’ve picked up a phone. Written a letter. Shown up. And you didn’t. Since you walked your ass back into town, you’ve had every opportunity to actually get to know her. But you haven’t. You’ve been so caught up in trying to win me back.”
“I know I screwed up?—”
“No, Nico. You abandoned us. That’s not a screw up. That’s a choice. And what I don’t get is—why now? What changed? What suddenly made you think you can walk back into our lives like nothing happened?”
He shifts, looking down at the snow. “I don’t know, Lyse. I was lonely. Everything else in my life was falling apart, and I kept thinking about you. About our baby. About what I missed. I thought maybe if I came back, I could fix it somehow.”
“Do you hear yourself? You came back becauseyourlife fell apart—not because you suddenly grew a conscience, not because you wanted to show up for her. You left me to raise our daughter alone. And now that the hard part’s over, now that she’s no longer a newborn screaming through the night, you think you can show up and play daddy?”
“I’m trying,” he says, voice cracking. “I’m trying to make up for lost time.”
“You can’t make up for all these years with a fucking apology and a plea to get back together.”
His mouth twists, frustration starting to seep through the cracks in his calm. “So what? That’s it? You’re just going to stay with him?”
I go still. “Mateo?”
He scoffs. “Yeah. Him. The fucking hero. You really think he’s going to love her like I can?”
My eyes flash. “He already does. He’s been here, Nico. Through all of it. He didn’t flinch. He didn’t bail. He stayed. And she knows it. She trusts him.”
“And you?” he asks, stepping closer. “Do you love him?”
I hesitate for half a second too long. His face hardens.
“Fuck,” he mutters, raking a hand through his hair. “All this time…I thought maybe you’d still be waiting. That after everything, I’d come back and we could just pick up where we left off. Guess I was an idiot.”
“You were gone for seven years, Nico.” My voice cracks. “You don’t get to abandon us and expect me to keep a life on ice for you. That’s not love. That’s selfish. And it sure as hell isn’t family.”
He snaps then—shouting like a man unraveling. “Fuck! Give me a fucking break, Analyse! I was twenty-goddamn-four! I was young! I wasn’t ready to have a kid. I wasn’t ready to be a father. I barely knew what I wanted to do with my life—not everyone can be like you and have it all figured out straight out of college. I fucking panicked,okay? I. Panicked. You said you were pregnant, and I freaked the fuck out. All that ran through my mind was that I didn’t have my shit together, and I didn’t have money to raise a kid, I wasn’t good enough and you were supposed to be on birth control?—”
“FUCK OFF, NICO.” My voice cracks through the cold night like a whip. His eyes widen, but I keep going, heart thudding so hard it hurts.
“Iwason birth control. But guess what? Sometimes birth control fails. Do you think I was ready? No. But I didn’t run. From the moment I saw those two lines on the pregnancy test, I stepped up and got my shit together. You think I had money? I’m a teacher, for God’s sake—we’re not exactly making a shit ton of money.”
I’m shaking now, from the rage and cold and pain.
“But that didn’t matter. I was young, too. I was twenty-four, too. And I didn’t run. I never ran. I never, not for one damn second, let my daughter down. I was there for every single second. ALL OF IT. While you were being a coward, I was doing whatever I had to do to make sure Maya always knew she was loved and special and the most important thing in the world. She is my whole damn world, Nico. So forgive me if I don’t give a shit about your sorry ass excuses.”
His jaw works, but I don’t stop. Can’t.
“Do you have any idea how hard it was for me? I was twenty-four and in one fell swoop not only did I learn I was pregnant, but I became a single mom, too. I went through every second of that pregnancy alone. Every kick, every doctor’s appointment, every sleepless night wondering if I’d be enough. I had to be induced early because I had pre-eclampsia and I was so fucking scared.” My voice breaks, throat raw.
“And you weren’t there. Not for the birth. Not for the late nights. Not for the first smile, the first word, her first steps. But you know who was there? My mom. My dad. Sebastian. Andres. Mateo. Hell, even Nathan.”
I point toward the house, toward the glowing windows and the life I built without him.
“They were there. Through all the sleepless nights—and there were many—they rotated shifts to help me. Mateo, God, Mateo, he was there most of all. Maya’s had him wrapped around her little finger since she was a newborn.” I blink, tears threatening now.
“He was the one who held her when I couldn’t even keep my eyes open. He fed her when I was too sick to get out of bed. He sang to her. Changed her. Rocked her to sleep. He never ran. He showed up. Day after day. Week after week. Year after year.”
Silence stretches between us. Nico is frozen, lips parted, chest rising and falling.
Finally, he says, voice low, “I’m leaving town.”
