Page 35 of From the Ashes
“Can I ask why?”
“Maybe I’ll tell you the whole story one day, but just know it has nothing to do with you. I don’t think my DNA should ever be replicated. My father… And I’m not… I don’t think a kid made from my genes could bring any good to this world.”What?His father must have committed horrendous things to make him believe that. And if he thinks he can’t be a good father because of his lack of social cues, I really don’t think that’s true.
“You’d be a great father,” I tell him honestly, but he doesn’t answer right away.
“I…I don’t know about that, sweetness.”
“But wouldn't it be a deal breaker that… That I already have a child?”
“No. It’s even better. ‘Cause I can’t give you that. So you’ll never have to resent me for it.”
“Carter…”
“No, Lana, it’s alright, really,” he says, “and, um,” he clears his throat, “don’t run away after what I’m gonna say.”
“I won’t.”
“I did say I don't want to become a father, but I didn’t say I couldn't be a step-father.” Tears blur my vision at his words. I didn’t know where this conversation would lead or if this would be the end of what barely began between us. Marriage, kids, all those things are so important to bring up if you want a shot at happiness. Any different views on it can kill a relationship fromthe inside. My palms are sweating as if my body had been scared of this more than I had realized.
“Please don’t hang up. I didn’t want to push. It’s your kid, I’ll stay back,” he urges. “I just thought you should know.”
“Carter, no. It’s… I’m processing,” I admit, “I was afraid you’ll want a dozen kids and that'd be the end of it because I don’t… I don’t want to be pregnant again,” I swallow, “ever.”
He remains silent for a few seconds, his breathing even and reassuring, like a balm on my churning mind.
“So you won’t run?” he asks, and his question breaks my heart a bit, but still, I smile softly.
“No, Carter, I won’t run.” I shake my head ever so slightly “And you…?”
“Run to you most likely,” he says, and I chuckle because the amount of butterflies this man stirs in me is really concerning.
“When can I see you again?” His voice is heavy, and suddenly the energy shifts in my room.Did I put the heat on? I don’t remember doing it.
“How about Saturday morning at my place after I drop Noah off at my sister’s?” I offer.
“You sure? I don’t want to mess up your plans. I could pick you up if you want and we could grab a bite somewhere.”
“I appreciate it, but it’s actually easier for me at home. I’ll be able to work on a few house chores before,” I explain. “Time management is kind of a must if I want everything to get done.”
“If you need help, just ask me, I’ll fix whatever you need.”
My heart, Carter. That’s what I need you to fix.
“Well, maybe there’s a pipe or two to check,” I say before slapping my forehead, realizing the double meaning of what I just said. Thank God Carter doesn’t understand the subtext or I’d be in trouble with a capital T.
“I’ll bring my tools.”
“Yeah,” I say in a breath, my face flushing, “you do that.”
“Goodnight, Carter,” I say, my voice surprisingly soft and shy.
“Goodnight, sweetness. I’ll count the days,” he says before I gasp and hang up.Rolling on my side, the covers still on me, I take his sweater and pull it out from under my pillow. Yes, I did that, and I’m not ashamed of it. I don’t even know the word. I fall asleep, dreaming about tattoos, intense blue eyes, and massive arms, hoping that this time, everything will work out.
10
CARTER
Polly
