Page 55 of From the Ashes
“I… Am I really crazy for saying that I don’t want to hurt him? I just want to be protected from him.”
“No, you’re not. I mean, if it was up to me, he’d already be behind bars, swapping his toilet paper for cigarettes, but that’s your call.”
“It’s just, he’s Noah’s father. I can’t… I can’t send him to jail.”
“You’re really sure about this?” She points at the hard drive.
I nod. “No, I’m not sure. Just… Please don’t judge me. I know how this sounds.” My lips tremble and I bite them, fighting the tears away. “Maybe I’ll do it, maybe, but right now I’m not so sure, I think… I think I need to show him I have leverage, and if it doesn’t work, then yes, I’ll report him. I know this isn’t what a woman in my circumstances should do, but…I need to listen to my guts right now.”
“Then I guess the best thing we can do is gather all of this, make copies, write your statement, and the next time he oversteps, you tell him you’ve got this, and this should scare him away enough. But…”
“What?”
“It’s the big sister in me talking, but I don’t think this will work. If anything, Ben’s a shark. He will see this as a threat and maybe,” she swallows, “he’ll try to hurt you even more to punish you for trying to frame him.”
My heart quickens. Could he? Carter pushed him away twice, and he still came back. Ben doesn't understand words like boundaries, compassion, or empathy. He needs to be restrained by a bigger force than him. And yet somehow I feel like showing him that I have all the cards in my hands could change our whole dynamic.
“Just, hear me out, imagine you tell him you’ve got enough proof against him to put him behind bars,” she joins her hands, focused like she’s teaching me something, “but he gets mad and decides to build a case against you, bribes people and get them to testify against you, say that you lied, that you’re a bad mother and so on. I know it sucks, but it could happen. Ben’s capable of everything.” She winces. “Then he wins the case and you lose custody.” She swallows as my eyes widen.
“You’re making me sound like…like I’m a bad mother.”
“Your words, not mine.”
“Would you still hesitate to put him behind bars if you knew he could take Noah from you?” I shake my head immediately.
“I’d die if he did, Nance. I couldn’t live without Noah.”
“I know. I’m sorry I told you this, but I can’t be a good sister and watch you deal with him all nice and all. He hurt you, Lana. He has to pay. He could hurt another woman; he could still hurt you. You have the power to stop it, and… Whatever you’ll do, Alec and I will support you, but…” She takes my shoulders in her hand and squeezes. “Go for his jugular, Lana. Don’t even think twice about it.”
“...Go for the jugular,” I mutter and run a finger in my chocolate hair. “I need to think about it, about what it means for Noah. I don’t want to create more traumas that he won’t heal from.”
“See, that’s why you’re a good mom, you always put him first, even when it’s your fight.” She leans in and hugs me tight. She’s the best hugger in the world. Always gave me the best one after I fell down and hurt my knees when I was a child. “Mom and dad would’ve been so proud of you,” she murmurs. “And Noah will be too. He’ll understand, with time he will.”
Am I ready to strike the man who used to hurt me?
Do I have the strength in me to do so?
All I know is that I would do anything to protect my son, and if this is the price to pay, the ultimate punch in our messy and chaotic story, then so be it. This time I won’t be alone. I have my family and Carter. I know he’ll be there for me, each step of the way. The thought of him takes me back to his manly and woody scent, the weight of his calloused hand on me sending goosebumps all over my skin.
I haven’t been with a man since Ben. I didn’t want to misinterpret a sign and be hurt once more. Either way, my mind was somewhere else, focused on building our home after escaping; I wasn’t really in tune with my desires. But when I met Carter…he reminded me that I wasn’t just a survivor or a mom running around trying to do it all. That I was still a woman. A strong one. A beautiful one. And that’s the most beautiful gift he could have ever given me.
I bite my lips, thinking about next Saturday when he will pick me up for our “yelling date”. How many women can afford to be this vulnerable with a man? Back then, I could never. I realize now that vulnerability cannot bloom if I’m not safe. How can you show your heart to someone if you’re not sure if they will tear it apart and step on it? Carter has the exterior of an iron shield and the inside of a soft and carrying man. He doesn’t care if I’m weird or awkward, first because I truly wonder if he can perceive my weirdness as such, and because that’s not what he’s focused on.
“How about we go make ourselves some tea and take a break? It’ll be good, we’ve been at it for hours.” Nancy offers as she gets down from the bed, her flare jeans suiting her so prettily.
“Let’s do that. I thought we could make a cake with the kids too, so I bought the confetti Chloe likes to put on the inside.”
“God, she’s been begging me to buy these for months, you nailed it.” I wink at her and smile, letting the feeling ofoverwhelm wash over me and stay there in this little box. I’m not taking this with me anymore, not when I'm with my son and my nieces. Not when I’m in my happy place. I’ll go back to it later. In the meantime, I’m going to spend time with the people I love and keep this away from my heart.
Journal entry no. 18 :
Dear journal,
Hi. I’m sorry I haven’t written in a while. Maybe this one will stick. I’m not expecting anything from writing, but…who knows? There’s just too much in my head, and it needs somewhere to go. I wish I could to-do-list my way through life and check off the hardest parts. Push away a violent ex-husband, check. Let go of shame, check. Learn to trust again, check. If only it was that easy. I’ve been thinking more and more about reporting Ben. Nancy’s right, something needs to be done. Why does it feel like I’m the villain if I do? Why does standing up for myself feel like going to war? Tonight, Noah and I watched a movie. It was peaceful. Warm. Still…something was missing. He was missing. I wish he’d been here, holding my hand, sharing silence, understanding each other without a single word. Before bed, I went back to the living room and picked up the poetry book Nancy gave me. Something about strength and resilience. I’ll admit, it was the first time I actually opened it. I didn’t expect much and yet… You know when you hear a line in a movie and it just clings to you? This felt like that. Like someone had figured out a way to write my story into a poem without even meeting me. My first thought was, I need this tattooed on my skin asap. And maybe I will. Because for the first time, I can. I’m allowed to dowhatever I want. I’m…free. Anyway, I wrote it down, just so I never forget.
you cracked what you could,
but my heart kept beating.
