Page 61 of Search for the Truth
Blake let out another long breath. Even though she was lying down, it felt like she was dragged farther down into the mattress.
“I think the loudest thing in my head is Beth,” she added. “She’s probably looking down at me, wondering why it’s me who’s here and not the other way around.”
Blake knew she had a lot on her plate that she could have been mentally chewing on, but that thought seemed to have been bothering her the most.
There she had been thinking about kissing the sheriff when she should have been thinking about how to get the kids back to their normal, safe lives.
Beth wouldn’t have her kids in danger and thinking about anything else.
She was ashamed even now at the move.
A shame Blake thought Lola would understand.
However, the older woman did something she hadn’t expected.
“I’m sorry.”
Those two words were enough to get Blake’s head to turn on her pillow. Lola was staring up at the ceiling.
“You’re sorry?” Blake repeated. “Why? What for?”
There wasn’t a thing Lola Bennet ever had to be sorry for, at least not to Blake’s knowledge. Still, she sure did sound it in those two words.
She kept staring at the ceiling as she spoke.
“Beth dying was a dang shame, there’s no two ways about that,” Lola started. “Her leaving behind those two angels in the other room, well that makes her passing hurt even more. Knowing that they won’t get to know their mama and knowing she won’t get to raise them... It sure does hurt. But, Blake, she’s gone and her going doesn’t take away from something I don’t guess anyone has talked about yet.”
Lola reached out. Her hand wrapped around Blake’s over the covers.
“You lost your life too. The moment you learned she passed was the moment your life jumped track. Everything you worked for, your career, your dreams, the life you were building, and the life you had planned...it ended when you knew Beth was gone.”
Lola squeezed her hand.
“And, honey, you didn’t bat an eye at it. You packed up that life, those dreams, your everything, and you came back to a place you didn’t want to, and you stood tall. You didn’t have time to prepare, and more importantly, you didn’t have time to grieve. And I’m not talking about grieving Beth. I’m talking about grieving you. The lifeyoulost.”
She sighed.
“I bet you talked to countless people during your time in law enforcement about moving on after tragedy. After the death of loved ones. I bet you spoke about peace and time healing wounds. But I’m starting to think that, maybe, you haven’t actually seen that your loss needs some peace too.”
Lola squeezed her hand again. Blake didn’t dare move.
“Beth is gone,” she said. “From now until we go, that won’t change. But you? You’re here, kiddo. Every choice you make is yours now. Beth can’t do a thing, and if you ask me, Beth wouldn’t if she could. She’d know as well as I do that while we can tell those children about her and do our best to make sure they never forget her,youare going to be the mama who takes them through most of their lives.”
She let go of Blake’s hand. The sudden lack of warmth startled her. She turned to see Lola had turned to look at her.
“Beth might not agree with every little thing you decide to do in your life, but don’t you forget for a second that she picked you to take care of the most important things in hers. So don’t be too hard on yourself. You’ve done everything just right, even the wrong things. Stop putting your life on hold because you think you have to live Beth’s. It isn’t fair to you, her or the kids if you stop being Blake.” She reached out and put a hand on Blake’s cheek. The baby monitor for the kids asleep in the guest bedroom next door cast a glow across Lola’s face. Blake saw her smile. “And I’m sorry that no one has said any of this to you yet. To be fair, I would have said it sooner, but, well, I’ve also never had to raise little ones and—my goodness—they sure make the time fly by.”
She rubbed her thumb across Blake’s cheek. It pushed the tears running down it away.
Blake hadn’t even realized she had started crying.
After a moment, when Lola pulled her hand back, she laughed a little.
“Did I ever tell you what my favorite thing about my father was?” Blake asked. She ignored the slight rasp to her voice.
Lola shook her head.
“No. What?”
