Page 20 of Hard Tail
“What, that we’re shagging? I pay him every month too—does that make him a rent boy? Bloody hell, Tim, have you ever listened to yourself?”
“You’re not—” I had to clear my throat. “You’re not involved with him, are you?”
“Tim, you prick, people are born gay. Or not, as the case may be. You can’t catch it. I’m as straight as you are, for fuck’s sake.”
Well, at least that proved he really had been joking about the repressed homosexual thing. I just hoped my expression wasn’t giving me away, that was all. Because I very much doubted Jay was as straight as I was. Mostly because, as it happened, I wasn’t. Straight, that is, in case you’re confused, which would be understandable in the circumstances. I certainly seemed to have spent most of my life in a state of confusion about my sexuality.
I’d decided a long time ago I didn’t want to go skipping down that yellow brick road. I didn’t fancy making friends with Dorothy, thought lavender was best left to old ladies, and green carnations made me look bilious. Basically, I didn’twantto be gay. Mum would hit the roof, Dad would be quietly appalled, and Jay… Well, I’d always had the impression Jay thought I was a bit prissy. Coming out as a man who liked men—my gut clenched at the thought. It’d just be one more way I’d failed to measure up.
So I’d buried those feelings in an unmarked grave and thought that was it. I’d married Kate—didn’t that prove I could be normal? Be like everyone else?
Your marriage failed, a treacherous voice inside told me.
So what? Lots of marriages failed. Suddenly I missed Kate so badly it hurt. Life had been so much simpler while we were together. The day we got married, it had felt so right. Like I was finally doing something I could be proud of. Doing things properly.
God, I hated myself sometimes. I’d spent my whole life trying to do things properly and had been an abject bloody failure. Kate deserved more from life than marriage to a loser like me. I hoped she and Alex would be happy together, I really did.
I just wasn’t sure I ever wanted to see either of them again, that was all.
I realised with an unpleasant jolt that Jay was looking at me oddly. “What?” I said, a bit defensively.
“Nothing,” he said, still giving me the funny look. As if he’d had a glimpse of what was inside my head and was trying to work it out.
God, I was getting paranoid. I coughed. “Right. Well, I’d better be off, anyway.” Not that Ireallythought he could read my mind, but sometimes, he seemed to know me a little too well for comfort.
I was already back at my car when I remembered Istillhadn’t asked him about the bloody cat.
