Page 84 of One Step Behind
There are no emails waiting for me this morning. No sick promise that something is going to happen. The more sleep I get, the more certain I am that Stuart is right. These emails are the desperate empty threats of someone who can’t get to me anymore.
Has your phone run out of battery? Is that why you’ve stopped?
I don’t care anymore. Do you hear that? I don’t care about the emails. I don’t care about you. I want my life back. I’m going to talk to DS Church today and tell her I was in the high street on that Thursday you were pushed into the road. I’ll tell her about the mugging, too, and my theory that someone has been helping you. I can’t keep hiding from her calls anymore.If she’s discovered that I looked through your phone and went to your house then I’ll have to face the consequences. Then I’m going to book an appointment with the occupational health team like I was supposed to days ago, and speak to Nancy about when I can return to work.
Diya called me yesterday with a tearful apology. ‘I’m so sorry, Jenna,’ she said the moment I answered. ‘You were right. I shouldn’t have gone behind your back, but I was just so worried about you. I knew you’d never forgive yourself if you made a mistake.’
Without the gin and tonics and the anger, I could see Diya’s actions were those of a friend. She was trying to protect me from making a mistake that really would end my career, and if I’m honest with myself, I know there were times when I was so strung out, so scared, that I shouldn’t have been working. I still wish she’d told me afterwards, or gone about it a different way, but I can’t deny that time off from the hospital has given me more time to think, and finally I’m sleeping better.
I said sorry too and we both ended the call laughing about her attempts to teach Thomas the Macarena.
Thomas is another person I’ll need to apologize to. I woke on Sunday morning red-faced at my behaviour towards him. Did I really think Thomas had a crush on me? He was just trying to be my friend.
I’m starting to wonder if everything I’ve done over the last week really has been the result of some kind of breakdown, as Stuart suggested. A combination of the months of terror you subjected me to, exhaustion and no longer having my job to focus on. The thought turns over in my mind as I tidy up the breakfast dishes.
We leave for school early and walk under a heavygrey sky. After endless weeks of sunshine, the world looks dull this morning. The sea in the distance is no longer glistening but dark, almost black with flashes of white foam and turbulent waves.
It’s still hot though. The fabric of my summer dress sticks to my skin and I’m glad of the French braid keeping my hair away from my face and neck.
In the playground, Archie and Beth drop their bags at the start of their class lines and stand by the gate, waiting for their friends. The playground fills up with the usual drop-off chaos and the cacophony of four hundred school children, but something feels different. Like I’m the last one dancing in a game of musical statues, wiggling about, arms in the air with no idea that the music has stopped and everyone else is staring.
I say goodbye to Beth first. I’m relieved to see she’s hand in hand with Lacey and they are giggling together. My eyes scan the playground, searching for Rachel, but I can’t see her anywhere. I don’t even know what I would say to her now.
‘Bye, Mum,’ Beth says without looking up. ‘Don’t forget it’s the dentist today.’
‘What?’
‘The dentist.’
‘That’s not today, sweetheart.’
‘It says it’s today on the calendar,’ Beth replies.
‘Oh, I thought …’ My voice trails off. I meant to change it. The day you walked into my house pretending to be a buyer and snooped around. I was going to change the appointment, but I forgot. I don’t suppose it matters now.
Beth looks at Lacey and they both giggle. ‘It’s at two p.m. so I get to miss boring assembly.’
‘Right, I’ll pick you up later then.’
I move over to Archie and kiss him goodbye. He rubs his palm across his cheek where my lips touched his skin, but he’s smiling at me as he does it.
‘You’ve got the dentist today,’ I tell him. ‘So I’ll pick you up after lunch break.’
Archie frowns, sticking out his bottom lip. ‘I thought you’d forgotten.’
‘So you knew and weren’t going to tell me?’ I tickle him under his arm and he wriggles away with a happy yelp. ‘You can thank your sister for reminding me.’
‘I don’t want to miss assembly.’
‘How about we get some fresh doughnuts on the seafront afterwards, assuming you get a thumbs-up from the dentist, that is.’
‘Promise?’
‘I promise.’
I watch them walk into school and feel my body unwind a little, like it always does. You can’t get to them now. And if you are working with someone then I feel happier knowing the children are safe in school behind locked gates and rigorous safeguarding protocols.
I’m just walking out of the gates when someone taps my shoulder and I jump, jerking my body away as my hands fly up, and only then do I see it’s Christie.
