Page 75 of One Step Behind
To which I say nothing, because I don’t know what to say. Part of me wants to tell him I love him too, because I think he might be right. I wanted to prove you’re a monster, I wanted to understand you, but everything I’ve done this week has made things worse.
But I say nothing because that’s not all I feel. There’s another part of me that is reeling backwards, waving my hands in the air, shouting,‘Wow wow wow, how did I find myself married to a man who doesn’t understand me?’
Chapter 44
Sophie
The grass on the lawn is lush green and soft under my trainers. The garden is in full bloom, with a riot of colour and richness. It looks particularly beautiful in this early evening light. Nothing is drooping or dead, nothing is yellowed from the sun, and I feel a pang right in the middle of my gut for how far away I am from ever having a garden this nice. The house that goes with it is equally exquisite. Giant furniture in giant rooms with carpet that feels bouncy under my feet.
Being in this garden has made me realize how much I’m going to miss my lovely new apartment. It has been a tiny glimpse into a future that isn’t mine any longer.
‘Bradley spends hours out here with a hose,’ Rachel huffs from beside me, nodding towards the stretch of garden I’m admiring before dropping into another press-up. ‘That’s why it looks like this.’
‘It’s gorgeous.’ I turn towards Rachel and give her an encouraging smile. ‘You’re doing great. You’re over halfway.’
‘Thanks so much for fitting me in at short notice,’ Rachel says. ‘I hope I didn’t ruin any Friday night plans with Nick.’
‘Not at all.’ I swallow hard, pushing back the fear that rears up when I think of Nick and what I’m planning to do. I know he suspects something. I’ve had to keep up a steady stream of chat just to stop him asking me what I’m thinking every time I fall silent. It’s exhausting. He always seems to be right by my side, breathing down my neck.
I caught him going through my drawers last night when he thought I was cooking a stir fry in the kitchen. I wanted to scream at him to stop, to get out, but I couldn’t. I was too scared of what he’d do, so I backed away and shouted that dinner was ready before he could look under the bed and find the bag I’ve started to pack.
Am I really doing this?
Tears fill my vision and I blink them away, focusing on the timer on my phone. ‘Ten more seconds, Rachel. Really push the ground away as you come up each time.’
The timer beeps and Rachel flops to the floor with a groan. ‘God, I hate press-ups.’
‘You’ve got sixty seconds’ rest and then we’re moving on.’
Rachel turns on to her side and reaches for her water bottle. ‘Hey, my friend is looking for a personal trainer. I’ve given her your number. I hope that’s OK.’
I pull a face and Rachel’s perfectly arched eyebrows shoot up. ‘Have I done the wrong thing?’ she asks. ‘I didn’t think you’d mind.’
‘It’s not that. Of course I don’t mind, it’s just … I’m planning to leave Westbury.’
‘What? Oh don’t say that. Who will yell at me to get fitter? How long are you going for?’
For everis what I want to tell Rachel, but I shrug instead. ‘I’m not sure yet.’
‘Is everything OK?’
‘Not really.’ I drop to the floor beside Rachel. ‘Please don’t say anything to anyone, but things with Nick aren’t great. He … he’s not the man I thought he was. I’m going to get a fresh start.’ My voice quivers. It’s the first time I’ve said the words out loud. It’s also the first time I’ve confided in anyone about anything for longer than I can remember, and I feel exposed and stupid. I shouldn’t have said anything.Good one, Soph!
Rachel reaches over and pats my arm. ‘I’m sorry.’
I smile, leaping to my feet. ‘Thanks. Now come on. You’ve got sixty seconds of burpees. Go.’
I push Rachel hard for another thirty minutes. There’s something in the set of her face that tells me she needs it.
‘How’s everything with you?’ I ask when she’s lying on the lawn, her face crimson and gleaming with sweat. She looks like she’s trying to make snow angels in the grass. ‘Is everything all right with Bradley?’
‘Yeah, fine. There’s just stuff going on at the school. One of the mums is acting weird. It’s rattled me, if I’m honest. Bradley has taken the kids to the cinema tonight so I can have a break, which is a treat. But sometimes I wish he’d suggest getting a babysitter and taking me out, you know? He couldn’t keep his hands off me when we first met.’ A wistful smile pulls at her lips.
‘When he sees you in a bikini on holiday next month, I bet his jaw is going to drop to the ground.’
‘This session really helped. I’m going to be aching tomorrow.’
‘That’s what you pay me for.’ I pass Rachel a fresh bottle of water and watch her carefully. There’s a tension in her body. Something is bothering her, and before I can stop myself I ask about the affair. ‘So, no more fun with the other guy then?’
