Page 76 of One Step Behind
‘God, I wish.’ Rachel shakes her head. ‘No, I don’t wish that. It was so wrong. A blip. I was just lonely after the move and he was just so available.’ Rachel’s smile widens. ‘There was something intense about it. About him, actually, like when he looked at me I was the only thing in the world that existed. There was once when he turned up at my door. No phone call or warning. Bradley had just left, so I guess he must’ve been watching the house. We had sex right there in the entrance hall. Like I said, intense.
‘But I’m trying to pretend it never happened, which isn’t easy right now. Whatever problems Bradley and I have, I don’t want to throw our marriage away.’
‘Well, once Bradley sees you in a string bikini, you’ll be like newlyweds again.’
‘If he looks up from his phone for long enough to notice,’ Rachel sighs. ‘But God, I hope so. I’ve booked the children into an activity club at the hotel so we can spend some time together. Actually, I’d better grab a shower, they’ll be back from the cinema soon.’
‘Do a few stretches first, OK?’ I say, gathering up my bag.
‘Hey, I’ve had a thought. Are you busy tomorrow night? I’m going out with a few of the mums. It was supposed to be a PTA thing, but now one of them is bringing her sister and a few have dropped out so it’s more of a general night out. I can’t promise it won’tdescend into drunken ramblings about our kids,’ Rachel laughs, ‘but it will be fun and you look like you need a bit of that.’
I smile at her final comment and even though I know Nick will hate it, I find myself nodding. ‘Thanks. Where shall I meet you?’
‘At the top of the high street outside the cinema at seven. I don’t know the bars in Westbury yet, but someone will know a good one.’
‘See you then,’ I say with a wave goodbye.
I drive slowly back towards the apartment and imagine Nick watching me on his Find My app. The thought makes my skin crawl, a thousand ants under the surface. I’m desperate to turn my phone off, park the car and go for a run, but it will only make Nick more suspicious, and I don’t want that. I have a plan forming in my mind, and if it all goes well then I’ll be long gone before he even notices.
Just a few more days to get things straight.
An image of Matthew pops into my head and the old guilt rises up inside me. I didn’t go to visit him today. I know he’ll have waited for me, ready with more questions to yell at me. But that’s the thing: the guilt is old. Matthew is all grown-up now and so am I. I can’t keep feeling responsible for him, no matter how many times I promised Mum.
My heart aches at the thought of leaving Mum. She doesn’t care about me. She doesn’t want to see me, and won’t even know I’ve left, but it still hurts.
A single tear traces its way down the side of my face. I really wish I could undo everything that happened that night.
Chapter 45
Saturday, 22 June
Jenna
The sleeping tablet pulls me into a deep black hole of nothing. I don’t dream, I don’t think about you, but when I wake six hours later, in the early hours of the morning, I don’t feel refreshed either. My head is groggy and my mouth is as dry as the earth in the garden.
I fumble my way downstairs with a drunken room-spinning feeling. I desperately want to close my eyes, but that makes it worse, like I’m on the teacups at the fairground and Beth and Archie won’t stop turning that damn wheel in the middle.
Water helps. I guzzle it back until I can hear it sloshing in my stomach. Outside the sky is dark but I can just make out the first rays of dawn in the distance.
I press my hands to my face. My skin is hot, feverish, and I drag myself to the doors, twist the lock andopen them a fraction. The air is cool and I lean against the door frame and feel my eyelids close.
I’m not sure how long I stay there for – a minute, an hour – but something jolts me.
My eyes shoot open. The garden is dark grey, more shadows than anything. What made me open my eyes? A noise? I think it was a noise. Yes, definitely a noise. A rustling and a thud, or was it more human than that? Did I hear a muffled sneeze? The truth feels just out of reach, hiding behind the fog of the sleeping tablet.
I hold my breath and listen to the silence. I hear nothing, and yet there’s something out there. I can feel a presence.
I step back and take a breath – a quick in and out. My hand reaches for the handle to shut the door and just as I’m yanking it closed something moves. A shadow that leaps out from behind one of the rose bushes. I yelp, turning the lock as the thing jumps over the back fence and disappears.
I stand frozen, unable to move, my eyes fixed on the back fence.
A minute passes before I realize I’m holding my breath and my lungs are on fire. I breathe out and try to pull in a deep breath, but nothing happens. It’s like I’m still not breathing. I try again, in and out, waiting for the relief of oxygen moving into my body, but it doesn’t come.
I can’t breathe.
I spin around and stumble to the breakfast bar.
My legs give way and I cling to the counter. Black spots fill my vision and I know it’s only a matter of seconds before I collapse to the floor.
