Page 88 of One Step Behind
‘I don’t know. Maybe.’ Stuart buries his head in his hands and I stop pacing and drop on to the sofa opposite him. ‘Why?’
I ignore his question as wave after wave of understanding, humiliation and horror crash against me. ‘When did it start?’
His words are muffled but still hit me hard. ‘After Christmas.’
‘So just after Matthew Dover had thrown that doll at me and we’d gone to the police? At a time when I was at my most vulnerable, when I thought we were giving our marriage a second chance, that’s when you decided to start sleeping with someone else?’
‘I didn’t plan for it to happen.’
‘How could you do that to our family? How could you pretend that our marriage was strong and we were fine when it was a lie?’
‘It wasn’t like that.’
‘Then what was it like?’
Stuart lifts his head from his hands but doesn’t reply.
‘I mean it, tell me,’ I say. ‘How do you go from chatting to someone for two minutes in the school playground to shagging?’
‘I don’t know how it happened. I honestly don’t.Beth and Lacey begged me and Rachel for a play date and so Rachel came over to the house after school with the kids and we got talking.’
‘Tell me you didn’t have sex in our bed?’ I spit out the words and wonder what difference the answer actually makes to the depth of Stuart’s betrayal.
‘Of course not.’
‘And I’m just supposed to believe you, am I? After all the lies you told me?’
‘For Christ’s sake, Jenna.’ Stuart’s voice is loud and makes me jump. ‘Do you have any idea how lonely it is being your husband?’
‘Right, this is my fault. Great cliché, Stuart.’
‘I’m not making excuses for what I did, but you want me to explain, so at least give me the chance to speak.’
I wave my hands in the air. ‘Go for it.’
‘You … make me feel like hired help. You’re always reminding me how much smarter you are than me, and how you save lives every day. You work long hours because you love it and because you have to. And you come home and expect everything to be done. The washing, the dinners. Most weeks I feel like a single parent. I didn’t used to mind. I know your job is more important than mine and it’s more important than remembering our wedding anniversary and more important than being home more than two evenings a week to kiss the children goodnight.’
Guilt digs hard in my stomach. Two evenings a week? I know my shifts run over sometimes, but I’m home more than that, aren’t I?
‘So what changed?’ I ask.
‘Nothing. Nothing ever changed with you, and I got sick of it. This can’t possibly be news to you. Wealmost separated before Christmas, but then things with that guy … Well, you needed me and I couldn’t leave you. Then Rachel was there and … we were both lonely, I guess, and looking for comfort in the wrong place.’
‘Everything I’ve been going through,’ I shake my head, a lump forming in my throat, ‘and you’ve been sleeping with someone else. I can’t believe this. So the only reason you didn’t leave after Christmas was out of pity?’
‘No. I stayed because I love you. And having the affair with Rachel made us both realize how much we have to lose. It made me realize how much I do still love you.’
‘How long did it go on for?’
‘A few months.’
‘How many?’
‘It’s over between us and it has been for ages,’ Stuart says. ‘We both ended it because we didn’t want to destroy our families. This last week, we’ve both been in hell worrying about—’
‘You’ve been talking to her?’ I shake my head, picturing all the times Stuart’s been on his phone. It didn’t even cross my mind that he was being unfaithful. Not for a single second.
‘A couple of times. She thought you knew about us. Look, I’m sorry Jenna. I’m really, really sorry. If you’ll give me another chance, I’ll spend my whole life proving to you how much you mean to me.’
