Page 91 of One Step Behind
I came here for answers, to find out who is helping you, but all I have is more questions.
Chapter 54
Sophie
I stare up at the house for a long time, trying to imagine what it would’ve been like to live here, like Mum had planned before the fire. It’s a semi-detached at the end of a quiet cul-de-sac, and way nicer than my dad’s shitty little flat that Matthew and I ended up in.
The front garden is so Trevor. Perfectly cut borders and symmetrical flower beds that make me want to stomp all over them for no reason whatsoever other than that they belong to the man who turned my own mum against me.
Hurt pours out from every cell in my body. I’m being unfair, but I can’t help it. It’s been a long time since I was at this house. Trevor’s hissing remark from the last time I was here still stings. ‘She doesn’t want to see you or your brother, Sophie. Surely you can see that with your own eyes. It’s too painful for her and I don’t want you causing any more problems for your mum. Haven’t you done enough damage?’
Paving stones cut across the grass that leads to the front door. They’re too wide-set for my stride and Iend up leaping from one to the other and pressing the doorbell before I lose my nerve. I’ve faced up to Nick already today. I’m not going to back down now.
A shadow moves behind the door and I watch Trevor press his face to the glass. A moment later the lock clicks open and he appears in the doorway.
Trevor looks older than I remember. His hair is completely white and the skin beneath his eyes is puffy and sags to the top of his cheekbones. He’s clean-shaven and wearing a neatly ironed shirt tucked into a pair of dark-blue jeans.
‘Hi,’ I say, feeling fifteen again under his glare.
‘Oh Sophie, you shouldn’t be here.’ I thought he’d be angry to see me, but all he seems is apprehensive, a little scared maybe.
‘I know, but I’m leaving today and I won’t be coming back. I just wanted to say goodbye to my mum.’
Trevor continues to look at me and I see the weary distrust in his eyes.
‘Please,’ I beg. ‘Just two minutes, I promise.’
He gives a small nod of his head and opens the door. ‘But I’m not leaving you alone and if I think for a second that you’re upsetting her, you have to leave.’
‘OK. Thank you.’
Where Trevor has aged since I last saw him, his house has remained in a time capsule. It’s the same pale-green carpet on the floors from the first time I came to see Mum here – not a piece of fluff to be seen – the same busy floral wallpaper and the landscape watercolour paintings in gold frames on the wall.
‘You’ve got a visitor, love,’ Trevor says in a loud voice as he leads me into the living room.
He steps to one side and I see her. A weight lands on my chest. My throat aches and I know I’m going to cry.
‘Hi Mum.’ The words are a croak as I shuffle closer.
She’s sitting on a cream leather sofa that is almost swallowing her up. Her auburn hair is cut short around her face and streaked with grey. She is so small, so frail, but she’s still my mum.
Her eyes are distant, her gaze focused on a point on the wall near the TV. I desperately want her to turn her face and look at me and I feel suddenly winded, unable to breathe. There is so much I miss, but mostly it’s what we could’ve had that really gets to me. Twelve years of love and support that she’s not given me.
‘Mum, it’s me, Sophie.’ I perch beside her on the sofa, ignoring Trevor’s disapproval wafting from where he’s hovering in the corner. He has never understood why I’ve stuck by Matthew all this time. In his eyes, we’re both to blame.
‘Please, Mum. Please say something.’
‘Sophie.’ Trevor’s one word is filled with worry.
A tear rolls down my cheek. I bite back a sob. ‘I’m leaving, Mum. I’m going to make everything right, I promise. I won’t … I won’t be back, unless’ – I bite the edge of a nail and taste blood in my mouth – ‘unless you ask me to stay, Mum. Please ask me to stay.’
I put my hands over hers. Her skin is warm but slack and nothing like the hand that used to hold mine.
Trevor steps forward and I know my time is up, but I can’t pull myself away. ‘Mum, say something, please? Haven’t you shut me out for long enough?’
My mum’s hand trembles beneath mine. I lean close to her ear. ‘I know you can hear me and I’m begging you to forgive me.’
The tremor spreads to her arm and up her body.Her head begins to shake and I pull back just as Trevor leaps towards the sofa.
