Page 29 of Lady Fiona's Tall, Dark Folly
Chapter 7
By the time Fifi descended the main staircase for breakfast, she had made three vows to herself. In the wee hours of the night, she had come to terms with who she was, her failings, and who she wished to become. At twenty-four, a spinster, responsible for her ailing mother's welfare, and awaiting their solicitor's discovery of the whereabouts of her father's heir, she had no business frittering away her reputation gambling. She must apply herself to the quiet comportment that would bring serenity to the rest of her days. That meant being proud of herself in all things. Her motto to live like no one need approve was one that had served her well and truly from now on, she must. She would live like no one need approve of her, but herself!
And so she would take steps henceforth to act with pride.
First, she would seek out Diana before all the guests set off to the village this morning for the May Day festivities. Another apology would be her first priority. But second, she would give her friend a more precious vow. She would not play cards again. She would not gamble with other people's money or reputation. And in so doing, she would not wager her own. No matter the lure of fortune to be won. No matter her tenuous impoverished state. She would adapt. What was the value of money compared to a fine character?
Her second decision was to resolve her differences with her cousin Esme. Her motivation was not simply that Fifi had discovered that Charlton, not Northington, was the man she'd fallen for years ago. Her decision was prudent, given that all these years she had unfairly judged Esme, thinking her flighty and opportunistic. This morning, before the village frolic, Fifi hoped she might talk with Esme and change their relationship forever more.
Fifi limped toward the breakfast room, but paused when she heard male voices. If the men inside were Collingswood and Charlton, she would offer her apologies to them as well. She couldn't remember if she had done that last night, but certainly, they merited her words of regret.
She rounded the doors and, just as she thought, the two men were at table. At the sight of her, both got to their feet. She extended her hand to indicate they need not rise, but Charlton was at her side, pulling out one chair for her.
"Please, Lady Fiona, do join us." She would sit next to him and across from Collingswood.
A footman was in attendance but he quickly resumed his post by the sideboard and picked up a tea pot to serve her.
Charlton leaned toward her. "Shall I prepare a plate for you, Lady Fiona?"
"Thank you, no, my lord. I will have tea first and then do that myself." She was used to doing for herself. All her life. Her father had ignored her. Her mother had criticized her at every turn. Fifi had learned to do for herself. Choosing her clothes, her maid, her French tutor, her books and even her finishing school, she prided herself on being herself and making choices that gratified her. Today she was simply perfecting that practice.Live like no one need approve."I must ask both of you please to pardon my behavior of last night. I was very wrong to make such a statement about Lady Saunderson. She is a friend of many years' standing and I am ashamed to have humiliated her so."
Collingswood sat with compassion lining his handsome features. "I talked with her afterward. She bears you no ill will. She declares your abilities at cards were skills she taught you. She blames herself."
"She must not, sir. What I did last night to allow myself to be carried away with ruthless abandon was irresponsible. I will not do it again. In fact, I vow never to play cards again."
"A bit extreme, don't you think, my dear Fee?"
She turned to the sound of Diana's voice. "I don't. Last night was not the first time I've acted rashly. I will not chance I'd hurt another."
"Say no more. Please." Diana came to take the chair the footman offered her. She sat beside Fifi and took her hand. "You have declared your sorrow to me and I accept. I think you are right about playing cards with anyone. And I, like you, will not do it again. Over the years, I've lost money I shouldn't have. I played so ruthlessly that I've lost friends I shouldn't have. So I am at fault too and now I will hear no more of this. We are both resolved to give up our dastardly ways and that makes this a good spring morning to begin anew, don't you think?"
"I do, indeed."
Diana's soft brown eyes twinkled. "Wonderful. Now! I am ravenous." She pushed back her chair and went to the sideboard.
"How is your ankle this morning?" Charlton asked Fifi.
"A bit better." She sipped her hot tea, satisfied so far with the results of her conversations.
"You still limp."
"I do. But the swelling has diminished."
"A good sign."
"We thought," said Collingswood, "we'd ask Lord Courtland if we might use his pony cart to take you to the May Day frolic this morning."
"Kind of you, thank you. I did not plan to go." She'd be a spectacle in that cart and she didn't want extra attention on her infirmity.
"But in the cart," said Charlton, "you'll be comfortable. I will assist you."
"Thank you, but there is no need." Indeed, she had to refuse him for that was the substance of her third decision. She had to dissuade Lord Charlton—enchanting Rory—from his attentions to her. Love at first sight was a romantic illusion. She had no right to believe in such fantasies. Her life had always been colored by the harsh glare of reality. A father who abused her mother. That lady's acquiescence. Her own defiance of her father, threatening to his bravado. She was no young woman who should believe in love at first sight or second or eternal. She must send dear Rory on to another lady who could accept him, value him, match him in gaiety and ardor. She had neither equal to his charm. "I will remain here and read a good book."
Disappointment fell over his face like a shroud.
Silence grew among the four. Occasionally, Diana and Collingswood carried on, the quiet spells awkward.
"Shall I meet you in the foyer to walk to the village, Lady Saunderson?" Collingswood asked her when they had finished their breakfasts.
