Page 113 of My Revenant
He was quiet and still, and I listened to the sound of his breathing, my hand smoothing over his chest to feel the pace of his heart for long minutes before whispering, “I’m sorry.”
For a moment there was silence, and I wondered if he was already asleep. Then quietly, he spoke. “I’m sorry too.”
I kissed his skin again and moved in closer, so that as much of me was touching as much of him as possible. And like that, like we should always have been, we both fell asleep surrounded by each other’s warmth.
I wasn’t sure what time it was when I woke up, but Jonah was already awake, his fingers tracing idle patterns over the skin of my arm around him.
“I’m glad you didn’t leave,” I whispered. He stiffened when he realized I was no longer sleeping. I followed the words with another kiss on his shoulder.
“I was kind of trapped,” he scoffed, wanting the words to sound harsher than they did. Because he was guarding himself against me again, and it pained me deeply knowing I’d made him feel like he had to.
“I’m sorry I forgot to tell you about the door. I’ll fix it. I never wanted to make you feel trapped, Rabbit.”
Jonah was quiet again, so I continued. “You were going to, but you changed your mind. Thank you for changing your mind.” Now that I’d started, the words were pouring out of me. “I’m sorry I left. I’m sorry I made you feel like you had to leave too, even for a second. I always want you here with me. I’m so happy you’re still here. And I’m so sorry. I’m sorry I couldn’t explain, and I’m sorry I couldn’t bring you with me, and I’m sorry I had to leave you alone.”
I was met with more silence for a long moment before Jonah finally responded to me. “Am I too much for you?”
The question felt like a physical blow. “No,” I answered without hesitation. “You aren’t too much. You’renevertoo much for me.”
“I’m frustrating. I’m unreasonable. I’m clingy, and jealous. I’m… I’m crazy or something.”
“No,” I said again, my voice firm despite the pain I felt knowing he could ever think those things about himself. “You aren’t any of those things, not to me. Not ever. I love you, my rabbit, exactly how you are. I left because I had to, not because of anything you did.”
“You say you had to, like you didn’t have a choice. But you did have a choice. And you chose to leave me.”
Guilt, heavy and sharp, expanded in my chest. I had responsibilities with the Strays, people who relied on me, but Jonah was right. No one hadforcedme to go.
“You’re right. But I didn’t want to.”
“But you still did it.”
“Yeah. Yeah, I still did. And all I can say is that I’m sorry. That I’ll work on being better.”
Jonah thought over that for a long moment before he shifted out of my arms, or at least he tried to before I tightened my hold on him to keep him against me, scared that if I let him go he’d slip away from me and go someplace I couldn’t reach him.
He sighed, giving up and letting me keep him. “You lied to me.”
“When?”
“You said you wouldn’t be long, that you’d be back before I woke up.”
“Did you sleep?”
He grumbled, “That’s not the point.”
I kissed the warm skin along the curve of his neck. “I’m sorry. It took longer than I thought.”
“Will you at least tell me what you were doing?”
I inhaled him deeply, his scent a comfort unlike any other I’d ever known. “There was… a body.”
Silence for a moment, and then, “Who?”
“No one you know, Rabbit. I promise.”
Instead of pulling away from me like I feared he would, Jonah pushed into me. Closer. “And this… Snake… he killed them?”
“He did. It was an accident, and he didn’t know what to—”
