Page 51 of My Revenant
I’d stayed on my knees, covered in dirt and blood, and I watched it burn, convinced the smoke or the flames would draw attention, that someone would call and report the fire, that they’d come, and they’d find me and what I’d done. I’d thought maybe it would be better if they did, that I would have deserved it. I’d still thought I had a chance of being good back then, that maybe if I was punished enough I could be cleansed of all the bad things done to me, done by me, and I could go back to being good the way my dad would have wanted me to be.
I didn’t have that hope anymore.
No one had come for me in the end. The flames had burned until there was nothing else for them to consume, leaving me with the husk of a car and a freshly dug grave.
I walked to the ocean after that. By the time I arrived, the blisters on my feet matched the ones on my palms from the shovel. They’d stung as I walked into the water, hoping the ocean would wash me clean far beyond the blood and dirt that coated me.
It hadn’t. There were stains on my soul now that could never be cleansed. Stains I’d since added to. Each new one further cemented my place in hell. So no, I wasn’t good, and I never could be. But I wasn’t evil either.
Jonah called me Devil, and it was far from the worst thing I’d ever been called. I wished he were right, though. I wished I werethe devil. I wished I were this vile, evil thing incapable of love. But I wasn’t. I was human. And I craved love so much it made me sick.
Maybe, just maybe, he could be the one to love me.
I was so certain I’d never come back here after that day, but I did… the next time I needed to hide a body. After all, no one had found the first one.
Now I came here not only when I needed to remind myself he was gone, but when I needed to remind myself of who I was.
There were still hours left of the night. I’d have to go to work in the morning, but I knew sleep wouldn’t happen for me after this. Pulling my phone from my pocket, I sent a text to the only person I thought I could stand talking to tonight. He wouldn’t know what I was dealing with, not yet, maybe not ever, but I still hoped that maybe he could give me something anyway. Some small tether I could use to find my way back out of this darkness.
You sleeping?
Five minutes passed. Ten. Until I assumed no reply was coming. Only as I was putting it back in my pocket did I feel it vibrate with a response.
Rabbit
Yes.
A smile pulled at my lips.
Liar.
A few more minutes passed before Jonah replied again.
Rabbit
What do you want?
You. Obviously.
Rabbit
Well I don’t want you.
If you didn’t want me, you wouldn’t have replied.
There was more silence, and just as I feared I’d scared him off, another response came through.
Rabbit
You can’t prove that.
I can actually. You can lie to me, Rabbit, but your dick can’t.
Rabbit
Where are you?
I’ll be at the field in an hour.
