Page 27 of Blue Umbrella Sky
“Yep. Even though it’s only in the low sixties. That sun just burns, doesn’t it?”
They trudged onward and upward.
Milt asked, “You said you had something to say? I hope it’s not bad news. You’re not moving, are you?” He chuckled. “I’ve grown accustomed to your face.”
“I’m not going anywhere.” Billy sighed. “Let’s take a break, okay?” He plopped down on a big boulder.
Milt whistled for Ruby to come back and she came running, tongue out, panting. She sat obediently at Billy’s feet without even being asked.
Milt sat next to Billy and took a slug of water from his CamelBak. “You okay, buddy?”
“Sure I am. Wait. No, not really.”
Milt cocked his head. “Your health’s all right?”
“Yes, yes, although my liver is probably just biding its time.” Billy chuckled. He drew in a big breath and let it out like a sigh. “Bringing you breakfast, asking you to come out on this hike on this gorgeous morning, were my ways of buttering you up.”
“If you’re looking for money, you’re barking up the wrong tree. Once my bills are paid, I don’t have any. I’m living off life insurance and the proceeds from the sale of my house in Ohio. Those aren’t gonna last forever.”
Billy punched Milt in the arm. “I’m not looking for a loan. Jesus.” He paused for a moment—again—and Milt started to get worried.
“What is it, then?”
Billy simply blurted it out. “I want to ask you out. Like, on a date. We could do dinner or dinneranda movie. Not drinks, because, as you know, I’m a big old alkie, but food and entertainment and us, yeah. That sounds nice to me. Doesn’t it sound nice to you?”
Milt stared off into the distance, drinking in the stark mountain scenery he’d yet to take for granted. Although he had to admit that, right now, he was a little distracted. “Billy,” he started, gentle. “We’ve been through this.” And they had, at least a handful of times. Milt didn’t know if he could go on hurting the guy.
And yet a tiny voice spoke to him, inside. It seemed like this voice, whoever or whatever it was, was growing stronger and getting louder.Why don’t you just throw caution to the wind and say yes?Milt racked his brain for the source, but he could remember someone, someone very wise, once telling him, “You don’t grow with no.”Still, I can’t. Much as I would love to spend more time with Billy. Sure, I’d love to feel his arms around me and vice versa. Sure, I’d love to kiss him, maybe even with our shirts, or more, off. I’d love to maybe even wake up one day next to him in bed.This last thought brought Milt back to this morning and the mug. And how Billy had said something about waking and expecting someone to be in bed next to you.Yeah, I get that. Corky was always there. How can I let someone else take his place?
It would be cheating.
Milt was so lost in his own thoughts, his own turmoil, he barely noticed Billy speaking.
“I know, I know. And you told me how you promised Corky there could never be anyone else to take his place.”
“That’s right. I did. Near the end. So why? I can’t go back on the promise I made to a dying man. Why do you want to put me in this position?”
Billy wiggled his eyebrows. “Because this isn’t theonlyposition I want to put you in.” He laughed.
Milt chuckled too. “Stop it. I’m trying to be serious here.” He felt a strange paradox within. Part of him wanted Billy to stop the flirting, the attempts to take their friendship to the next level. And part of him was deathly afraid that he would. Where would he be then?
You’d be right where you are now, Milt. Alone. Telling yourself you’re happy with a dog,Judge Judyin the afternoons, a frozen potpie for dinner, and turning in early because you’re just so fucking bored with your life you might as well sleep it away.
Milt knew it wasn’t fair, to either of them really, to remain in this limbo.
Billy looked away from Milt but kept talking, low and slow. “Look, man, I like you. A lot. I have from the first moment I laid eyes on you.” He held up a hand. “And don’t try to argue. You’ve done that before, and frankly, you sound stupid. You’re only a few years older than I am. You’re a hot guy. I would be lucky to have you. You sell yourself short all the fucking time. I want you to know that you didn’t just come to the desert to die and pine for your lost love. You want to pretend you’re an old man, Milt, washed-up, when you’re not. Not at all.”
Billy sighed. “I know that sounds harsh. And maybe it is. But you need to hear it, bud. You need to hear it.” He went quiet again, long enough for Milt to notice a plane taking flight off the runway of the Palm Springs airport far below. Long enough to wonder if Billy had said all he was going to say….
But he wasn’t done.
“Look, man, I won’t ask again, okay?”
Milt felt a chill run through him, despite the sun’s intense rays.
“I need to move on if you’re not interested.”
Milt met Billy’s gaze then, knowing he looked shocked.
