Page 48 of Blue Umbrella Sky
And I knew you were right for me.
Youareright for me. I can say that with certainty. Whether I’m right for you is a question only you can answer. When you know. When you’re ready. And I surrender to the thought that you may decide you’re never ready for me, not in the way I dream of.
I wish I could say that’s okay. For the best part of me, the spirit side of me, it is okay. But I wear this suit of human clothes around, and it’s tattered and worn-out at the elbows and knees. It clings to fantasies like true love and soul mates.
Ah, I’m going off on a tangent here. I just wanted you to know that I care.
And that I hurt.
I saw you with that guy. You know the guy. The big lug in your kitchen, the one you were hugging and making breakfast for. It’s none of my business—it pains me to say that.
I don’t even know what he is to you. And my self-doubting, low-self-esteem self wants to make me believe he’s the light of the world, the answer to your prayers. My head tells me he could be nothing more than a cousin, a buddy from your past, or an online hookup that spilled over into the morning. That last part gives me a twinge that hurts as bad as you kicking me in the balls. And the bottom line really is: it’s none of my damn business.
Not fair of me to lay this at your innocent feet, I know.
And I don’t know where I’m going with this.
Yeah, I do.
And Billy stopped writing. He stared down at the letter, read it over once, twice. And then he picked it up and tore it into pieces. He dropped the scraps of paper into the trash can.
He kind of believed and kind of didn’t that he set out with the intention that he’d never give Milt the letter, but part of him wanted to. Just so Milt could see what he was missing out on. So maybe Milt would feel bad for making him feel bad.
Billy knew those motivations were simply him being childish. Being selfish. Self-seeking, as they said in the twelve-step rooms. See, giving Milt the letter would place a responsibility on him that didn’t belong to him. That responsibility was Billy’s and Billy’s alone.
Billy knew what he had to do. He had to go over there andtalkto Milt. And yes, he needed to apologize for not showing up when they’d made plans.
It was the right thing, the decent thing to do.
Billy hurried to shower, shave, and make himself presentable.
And then he set off into the afternoon sun to make amends, whether the recipient of those amends knew he needed them or not. Billy needed to make them to try to set things right in his world again.
But Milt wasn’t home. Or at least he wasn’t answering the door.
The trailer was empty. Billy peered into the windows. Nobody home. No dog, no extra man, no Milt.
Billy started back home. “Serves you right, you big fool. They probably went without you.”
JUST AShe reached his door, he heard a car engine and turned to see Milt, Ruby, and that damn guy, Mr. Hunkalicious, pulling into Milt’s driveway. Even from this distance, he could see the quizzical look Milt gave him. Billy picked up on the telepathy quite readily. Milt was broadcasting “Where the hell were you?”
Billy stood near his door, a little helpless, knowing the grin he shot back at Milt was sheepish. A part of him simply wanted to slip inside.
But he forced himself to stay put, watching as the three of them emerged from the car. He knew all three were staring at him, but he didn’t allow it to bother him. If he was being honest, he’d have to admit this situation was actually kind of funny.
Billy took in a deep breath and crossed the space that separated them. He had his priorities straight. First, he squatted down to give Ruby some love, because she was going nuts. Second, he straightened up, smiled at the big guy, and extended his hand. “Hi, I’m Billy Blue. I live next door.” It took all his strength to not ask who the guy was. Again, it was none of his business. If Milt, or the guy himself, wanted to let him know, they would.
The guy, as Billy expected, had a killer handshake. Billy had to refrain from saying “Ow” and shaking out his own hand afterward. Alpha-male posturing? He wondered.
“I’m Dane Bernard.”
Milt stepped up, eyeing Billy curiously. He patted Dane’s shoulder. “Dane’s one of my oldest and dearest friends from back in Ohio. He came out for a long weekend as a surprise to me.”
Billy sighed with relief. Dane wasn’t a lover, a hookup, or anything of that order, but only a good friend. Billy also felt like kicking himself. Why didn’t he allow for that possibility first? Why had he let his mind cloud up with jealousy?
Because you care. Give yourself a break.
“It’s good to meet you, Dane.” Billy gave him a big smile, not only to welcome Dane, but also because he was now capable. The clouds had lifted, and the sky was once again a clear and sunny blue. Even though it wasn’t true, Billy added, “Milt’s told me all about you. He speaks very highly of you.”
