Page 23 of Jealous of the Clouds
I straightened and pulled my phone out of my sweatpants’ pocket. Without stopping to consider for even a second, I brought up the podcast and scrolled to the list of episodes.
Karl/Bailey was still talking about Josh and the murder of his brother, I saw. The latest episode gave me a start because it was called “Love Interests.”
Had Karl gone back on his word and told his listeners about me?
I hit PLAY, my gut churning like the waters before me. If I was mentioned in this podcast, I didn’t know what I’d do, how I’d defend myself, and what could possibly happen.
*
True Crime Audio Presents: The Case of the Unsolved Hate Crime
Bailey Anderson: As much as Joshua Kade would have others believe my brother Reggie was the love of his life, shutting out the possibility of other serious relationships, new information has come to light that show that Reggie was not his first serious, live-in relationship.
Nor was it his last.
*
Here, I hit pause, again stopping in my tracks. That part about the last just about caused the blood in my veins to turn to ice. I felt close to a panic attack, my heart racing, a cold sweat on my face despite the chill in the air.
I’d believed I could trust Karl—but he was, at heart, the media. And I’d never completely let go of the possibility that he might not be true to his word—especially if breaking a promise meant higher ratings. Maybe he wasn’t as trustworthy as I’d believed. Perhaps he’d already broken his promise about recording our conversations. Maybe he’d come to the decision to out me in an international forum.
I wasn’t sure I wanted to go on—with running or the podcast. My heart was doing a double-time rhythm. In spite of the chill in the air and from the spray of lake waves, heat burned my cheeks.
I could imagine Josh’s fury when he heard my voice on the recorded show. I wasn’t sure what he would do. The best-case scenario was that he’d leave me.
The worst case? The possibility made me tremble, brought me close to puking.
I’d arrived at a row of boulders lining the shore and knew I needed to see this through. I’d wanted to climb up and overlook the lake while I listened, but I rejected that idea fast when I saw how the waves were crashing against the rocks, sending spray over their peaks.
I moved on to a small, single-block street in Evanston called Sheridan Square. In the grassy area adjacent to the beach, I found a bench, sat down, and pressed PLAY to resume the podcast.
*
Bailey Anderson: Two men have come forward to share with me disturbing details of their relationship with Joshua Kade.
The first is a young man we’ll call Brent. It’s not his real name and even though his relationship with Kade was more than ten years ago, he says he still fears the man and was desperate that I assure him I’d shield his identity as much as possible.
I’m not using his voice and, even with a pseudonym, I pray I’m not putting Brent at risk. I realize these measures are far from adequate, but it’s important people hear his tale.
For Brent, Joshua Kade had seemed at first like Prince Charming, Mr. Right, Call-Me-Irresistible, and Answered-Prayers, all rolled into one.
Kade was charming, solicitous, and always said and did just the right thing, having an almost telepathic awareness of Brent’s wants and needs.
They dated for a mere month before making the leap to cohabitation. Brent wasn’t worried—he’d fallen hard for this man and everything his heart told him was positive. This was no mistake. This was “the one” and the relationship that would last a lifetime.
That was in the summer. In the fall, Brent casually mentioned he was part of a gay men’s bowling league. He’d be rejoining his team in late September every Tuesday night. “No biggie. One night a week is all.”
Josh didn’t like the idea. At first, Brent thought he was kidding. After all, the team and the league were both a simple and fun outlet—even wholesome. Of course, since it was all gay men, there was dating and hooking up. But for the most part, Brent told me, Tuesday night bowling was about getting together for a friendly outing, a few beers, and a tiny bit of competition.
As soon as he was aware of the league, Josh began to interrogate Brent.
Had he dated anyone on the team or in the league?
Did he hook up with teammates?
How late would he get home from these outings?
How much drinking went on? Was it more than drinking?
