Page 58 of Jealous of the Clouds
Bailey: Did he give you any reasons why his relationships often failed?
Shondell: Oh sure. And gradually I learned there was a common theme running through every one of these break-ups—it was always the other party’s fault. And it was always rooted in jealousy.
Several didn’t have enough time for him. Looking back, I doubt anyone even possessedthatmuch time. No one would ever have enough, I believe, to satisfy him. Once he had his claws in a guy, Josh wantedeverything.
One guy couldn’t manage to break off from his friends enough to satisfy Josh, to make him feel, as he described it—number one.
One or two were into drugs or too much alcohol; they spent too much time partying or at the bars. Josh rarely drank and never touched drugs; he expected the same behavior from anyone he became involved with. He saw even a passing, socialinterest the bars or maybe weed as a character flaw, a weakness he couldn’t abide.
But most of all, their biggest sin, according to my brother, was cheating. Sooner or later, almost everyone he went out with was unfaithful. At first, I believed him, and sympathized, offering a shoulder to cry on.
But eventually, as the years and failed relationships piled up, I began to question how every time my brother became involved with a man, that man wasalwaysa cheater. I mean, I know gay men have a reputation, butallof them can’t be cheaters, right? What are the odds? After a while, I started to roll my eyes and wonder if there were no gay man capable of fidelity. It just started to seem less and less plausible.
When I questioned him on it, he became enraged.
He turned his back on me for a while. He said I obviously was like everyone else and I didn’t understand or support him, after all.
It stung.
*
And here, Shondell tenses. Her gaze moves away from Bailey and toward the windows. Outside, the sky is leaden. The cloud cover promises snow. Her eyes reflect the darkness outside.
I imagine she feels tears coming on. I would also support the notion that she refuses, flat out forbids, them to fall. She will not let this asshole podcaster and me, the one that left and betrayed Josh, to see her weak, to witness her vulnerability.
But the grief and the pain are there inside her, I’m sure of it. There must be a rat in her gut, its razor-sharp teeth chewing through the lining, escaping and scurrying throughout her body. She clenches, bending forward. I can almost feel thesensation myself. Part of me wants to flee. Part of me wants to go to her, tell her she doesn’t have to do this. Her body language and expression reveal far too much pain; it stirs something within me.
She draws in a deep breath, trying desperately, I know, to hold her pain and sorrow at bay.
And then it’s though I can hear her thoughts—or maybe it’s just my imagination:
What do I do now? Should I sit here and pretend to be normal? Try and pass myself off as a grieving sister with a complicated relationship with a brother who was a madman, a murderer?
Or do I just let go—and tell the truth?
The latter idea terrifies her, yet has an odd appeal. It would be an unburdening and liberating in an odd way, even if that liberation would lead to the loss of her freedom.
And just like that, the way forward becomes clear. It’s been long enough, too long, that she’s carried this burden around, this truth about her and Josh.
The end of the road had arrived suddenly and without warning.
I know this with a certainty I shouldn’t be capable of. But I am. I am. Sometimes, our intuition speaks loud.
*
I held my breath as something in Shondell shifted. Her features crumpled, as though a dam of sorts inside broke. She put a hand over her face and her head dipped. For a moment, I expected sobs, but then she lifted her head and uncovered her face. She looked first at me and then at Bailey, as though seeing us for the first time. Her whole body sagged and her headwent forward and then up again. Her eyes, though, were clear, focused.
Karl noticed it, too.
Bailey: Shondell, are you okay?
Shondell: Yes.
(Long pause)
Shondell: More than okay, really.
(She stood).
