Page 21 of Jealous of the Clouds
I realized I could stop there. Move to the bedroom. Move to the kitchen. Turn on the TV. Serve lunch. Propose a game of cards. Turn on the TV. I could have done just about anything to escape his glower, the meanness in his eyes. But I thought of the phrase,in for a penny, in for a pound, and knew that if I wanted any kind of resolution or even a smidgen of hope, I needed to see this through. I blew out a big gust of air. Steeled myself. And said, “But I did talk to him.”
“What? When?”
Oh, now things would get tricky.
It had been a couple months since I first met up with Karl last summer. I told myself I didn’t need to provide specifics, especially if the specifics were certain to light a fire underwhy-didn’t-you-tell-me-sooneranger. And especially if I’d seen Karl more than once…
“When doesn’t matter. He called me and I was curious, so I agreed to meet him on my lunch hour.” On my lunch hour sounded better than we had lunch together.
“And?”
I swear it seemed as though I’d opened the door to my balcony and let in a gust of cold, damp air. I shivered. “And he wanted to interview me. But I told him no.”
“That was the end of it, I hope?”
I waited a minute. “No. We talked a while. He told me about the case. He also let me know who he really was and why the case was so personal. He hadn’t yet admitted the connection on his podcast.” I realized my mistake as soon as the words were out of my mouth.
Josh’s lips became set in a thin line. He crossed his arms and moved away from me, so we were no longer close. “So you’ve been listening to the podcast?”
I admitted I had. I stared down at the hardwood floor—a chastened kid. “Wouldn’t you? I mean, it’s simple human nature to be curious, especially about something like this. It doesn’t mean I believe anything bad about you.”
For a long while, the only sound was the softthrumof the rain falling outside. Thunder boomed and someone’s car alarm went off.
“Wouldn’t you?” I repeated. “If the tables were turned?”
He shook his head. “No, I wouldn’t. Especially if you’d asked me, as I asked you, not to.”
“I’m sorry. You’re a stronger man than I am.”
“I don’t know about that.” He scooted closer and our arms touched. Again, the room was filled with a tense silence for what seemed like a couple of hours but was really only two or three minutes. That tension lightened a bit when he said, “Look. I guess I can’t blame you. It’s an unusual position you’re in. This kind of shit doesn’t happen to everyone and not every day.”
I nodded. I didn’t, and wouldn’t dare, tell him I’d met with Karl on several more occasions. And I certainly wouldn’t tell him that I trusted Karl, even if I wasn’t sure I was on the same page with him regarding his suspicions about Josh. I’d yet to hear anything truly damning.
Or was I simply in denial?
Josh went on. “So, what? You avoided me all week and now have me over today to—what? Break up with me? Maybe tell me you don’t believe I’m a killer, but it’s hard to continue in a relationship with a guy who has something so ugly hanging over his past?”
I placed a hand on his thigh. “No, honey. Breaking up with you was never the case. It didn’t even occur to me.” Not quite the truth, but close enough, and, I hoped, a comfort to him.
“I wouldn’t blame you.” He turned toward me. “It’s happened before. Guys going out with me somehow get wind of what happened all those years ago and freak out.” He shrugged. “Google is not my friend. And Meat Locker sure as hell isn’t.”
I watched as his expression softened and then, a surprise, his eyes grew shiny with tears.
The hurt he obviously felt filled me with guilt, however justified my suspicions were. “Oh, please. Don’t worry about it. I’m sorry I brought it up.” I could have kicked myself for saying the words, but I could have also kicked myself for hurting someone Ididcare about.
“No. No. We should have this talk. I like to brush it away too much. It’s easier, but probably not better. I want you to know, again, I had nothing to do with Reggie’s death, other than maybe I didn’t try hard enough to protect him when that nightmare went down. With all the blood and the guy coming after me as well with that butcher knife, I panicked. I was in shock.
“But Ineverwould have hurt Reggie. He was my heart, my love, my everything. I’d have sooner hurt myself than him.”
He looked deeper into my eyes, as though to say he felt the same about me, which made the guilt rise even more.
“He wasn’t perfect, by any means. What Bailey doesn’t talk about in his podcast was how Reggie was an addict. I’m sure he was a good kid once. Well, I know he was—sweet, innocent, caring. But when a drug gets its claws into you, it’s hard to escape. It becomes the priority. I’d be lying if I didn’t admit I’d thought of leaving him, especially after yet another relapse. But I knew the heart and soul that lurked underneath his sickness. I always had hope.”
Josh turned to gaze outside a while, and I did too. The day had become shrouded in a white mist. The rain seemed to have abated just in time for the dense fog to press against my windows.
“Let’s go have some lunch,” I urged.
“One more thing. And I hate to say this because I really love you, Ted. But it has to be said. If you have even a little, tiny part of you that wonders if I have it in me to kill someone, please—hard as it might be—say so now.”
