Page 54 of The Sun Will Rise
“And you’re never losing us, either,” Paloma says into my hair. “My besties forever. Don’t let this ruin things, Ruthy. Talk to Katy. Talk to your brother. They both love you, sis. They miss you.”
I wipe my eyes with the back of my hand as I sniffle and nod.
“Everything just feels like it’s falling apart.”
“Oh, honey.” Amie squeezes my knee, then pours a glass of wine and presses it into my hand. It’s barely noon.
“Everett’s in Austin, living his entire life a million miles away—”
“And moping after you, probably,” Paloma interrupts drily. Amie called him a cinnamon roll when I regaled them with stories from my last visit, and Katy and Paloma giggled over calling him a himbo. I looked up both terms, and they describe my cowboy to a tee.
“His ex-girlfriend is sniffing around. She’s tiny and blonde and pretty… I mean, if you like the Barbie look, anyway.”
“For fuck’s sake, Roo. The man is mad about you.You, girl. I haven’t even met him yet, and I know for a fact he’s not interested in anyone else.” Amie has this way of turning her explosive outbursts into some kind of pep-talk laced with thinly-veiled impatience. I imagine it comes from years in a customer-facing role in aviation, where people tend to leave their entire brains behind somewhere en route to the airport, mixed with three and a half years of parenting.
In any case, I can’t bring myself to process her words right now. I just continue with my own outburst.
“—And Mum and Dad are talking about selling the shop.”
“Wow,” Amie remarks with a raised eyebrow. “I kind of thought they’d have it forever.”
“Me too. But everything’s changing. You have Cam. Katy and Jay, and now Mum and Dad, and—”
“I have Cam, and Maisy, but I’m still me. I’m still Amie. That hasn’t changed.”
“But—”
“No buts, babe. What’s this really about, Roo?”
“They’re leaving everything they worked for. They spent my entire childhood there to give me and Jay everything they could. They missedJay’s football games. Jay used to walk me home from school and help me with my homework, because they were working. For us. And now they’re throwing it away?”
“They’re not throwing it away, honey,” Amie says. She sighs, choosing her words carefully. I can see her mulling them over as she watches my reaction. It’s always amazed me, how she can sense the words someone needs to hear simply based on their expressions. Probably another thing she’s perfected in the service industry. “They’ve worked their whole lives. They’ve raised two kids into amazing adults. They’re ready to retire, Roo, ready to reap the rewards of that life of work. They’re adults too, babe, you don’t get to control their choices any more than they get to police yours.”
She’s right. I know she is.
I know it’s petty and unkind and downright ridiculous but I can’t bring myself to stop. I don’t know how to feel any other way right now. I’m so angry, so terrified, so frustrated at life and at myself. I want to scream and cry and throw things; everything is falling apart and spiralling out of control and I don’t know how to stop it. I don’t know how to fix it.
And I’ve always been a fixer.
“You have to let go of what you can’t control, Roo,” Paloma says quietly. For all her wild child persona, she’s just as smart as she is crazy. And I know she’s right, too. “Focus on what you can control, and let the rest of it go. Let your brother love your best friend. Let your parents be happy. Let yourself love Cowboy Daddy, let him love you, and just behappy, babe.”
The pain I saw in Katy’s eyes when we fought lances through my chest.She loves him. It was plain as day on her face, and I couldn’t even be happy for my best friend. This isn’t me. Everything feels so mixed up, so out of control, and I’m not sure if I know who I am anymore.
Chapter twenty-nine
Ruth
ROO
guess where I am
Everett
not in my bed
ROO
yet
