Page 38 of Home in the Country
“Being with you was the best and worst day of my life, and I couldn’t call you because I could barely breathe with all the guilt.”
“Jesus, Fallon, I—” His voice cracks and I hug him tighter.
“I know, and it’s not my fault either, but it took me a long time to get to this point. I mean, I’m a mess but—”
Rough fingertips graze my jaw until he’s tilting my chin up to meet his gaze. “What do you want?”
“It’s not about what I want.” I step out of his arms. “It’s about what I need.”
“What the hell does that mean?”
“I need space.”
“Space.” It’s the most loaded word ever uttered.
“You want more, and Ijustgot divorced, Otto. Tanner got delayed in New Mexico for God knows how long now, and Briggs is struggling.”
“So you think it’s better for you to hole yourself off and do this all on your own then? Can’t ask for help?”
“I can’t let Briggs get attached to you for you to turn around and leave when you realize you don’t want an instant family.”
“Who said I’m leavin’? And why does it have to be all or nothin’ right off the bat?”
A frustrated noise escapes from my throat. “I’m saying there are a lot of unknowns and you want to what—date me? I don’t have the energy to entertain someone else.”
“Friends? Nothing? Dammit, Fallon, I don’t want to let you go again.”
“That would imply that you had me before.” The words are meant to be teasing, but Otto swallows and runs his hand through his hair as he looks out across the field.
“Yeah.”
“Otto, I was joking, truly.”
“It’s fine.” He shoves his hands into the front pockets of his jeans and scuffs a boot against the dirt.
He won’t look at me, and my heart sinks. So much of Otto is bright and loud that you can easily overlook the sensitive guy beneath. It’s not a facade per se, but it’s not something he shares easily.
“Idowant you, Otto, but I just… I’m not the girl you lost your virginity to anymore, and I have Briggs to think about. I need to focus on my son and not a relationship that may or may not go anywhere.”
A blush creeps over his cheeks, but his eyes turn cold, anddammitI’m screwing this up.
“Shit. That didn’t come out right—”
“Don’t worry about it.” He takes another step back. “Thank you for sharing what happened with me. I guess we both have some closure now.”
“I thought you said you weren’t letting me go.” I choke the words out as he moves toward his truck even though I know I shouldn’t say them.
But suddenly the thing I thought was best for me feels like severing a limb from my body.
“You don’t really want this,”—he motions between us—“and I thought I was okay fuckin’ around with you, but I’m not, Fallon. I’ve always—”
His eyes squeeze shut and his jaw clenches tight. It’s more than a minute before he looks at me, and when he does, it knocks the wind right out of me.
Glassy ice-blue eyes stare back at me, and I gasp.
“If you need help fixin’ something or need a friend, I can do that. But I just… you’re never going to want me the way I want you.”
“You don’t know that.”
