Page 76 of Feels Like Falling
“You were too damn young to understand,” my father snaps.
“And I would have waited!” Montana roars. “I would have waited till she was ready, till she finished school. I would have followed her anywhere.”
“You were already married to the farm!”
“You had no right!” I yell, startling them both. “You stole the life we could have had—being with him is all I’ve ever wanted. But youmovedto Georgia after me and forced me into a life you knew made me unhappy. Andyou,” I seethe, turning on Montana, the anger mixed with hurt. “You just gave up? Just like that? You let me push every damn boundary—said yes to me no matter how crazy the idea. You took the blame over and over but?—”
“He’s yourfather,Ellison. You can’t understand that level of rejection.”
“I can’t understand? I was devastated. You stopped talking to me, and I wondered for years what I had donewrong.” A sob punctuates the last word as Montana’s jaw tics, his hands clenching like he’s trying not to reach for me.
“It’s not like you chased me down either. I was fuckin’ heartbroken, El. I just wanted to be with you—be worthy of you—and you stayed away. You didn’t come for me either. What was I supposed to think? My whole life I was told I wasn’t good enough for you—and that just confirmed it.”
My father curses under his breath as he drags his hands down his face, but I ignore him.
“Then you didn’t know me at all! What about what I wanted? No one gave me a say in my own damn life!” Anger races through my bloodstream, tears rolling down my cheeks as I think of the way it had all played out. My parents had moved to Savannah, and Montana had stopped talking to me. I’d wanted to go home, and they’d put a stop to that too.
“Ellison,” my father tries, but I don’t want to hear it.
Montana hadn’t come for me and I hadn’t gone to him and we were just kids but now?
“Like they would have let me anywhere near you.” Montana points a finger at my father.
“But you didn’t even try and you carried on with your life?—”
“Don’t you dare finish that sentence,” he says, wiping a hand over his mouth. “You were with Blake foryears,Ellison. Another man in your god damn bed?—”
“And what? The revolving fucking door in yours?” I’m not proud as the words leave my lips and Montana blanches.
So does my father.
I’m being unfair. We both are.
“What the hell was I supposed to do?” His voice is quieter now. “You came back to Nan’s funeral belonging to some other man, and I couldn’t fight, El. I just needed to be back in your world—to have whatever small piece of you I could as I buried my grandmother, took over the farm, and became the sole caretaker for my grandfather. It was all too much.”
“I told you about Blake,” I say, even as the guilt squeezes the air from my lungs.
“Listen, you should know…” my father starts again but I can’t hear anything over the blood pumping in my ears.
“I bided my time and I waited—did everything I could to help you find yourself again. But I won’t sit here and act like all of that didn’t fuck me up too. That I couldn’t god damn breathe without you here—that I took on every task, every responsibility till I lost myself to the land because it’s the only thing that’s never let me down.”
I gasp, his words slicing through me. “And I always let you down? I’ve never wanted to hurt you, but you kept my sister from me, and that day we…” My eyelids slam shut as the perfect day is tainted with secrets and revelations and deception, both innocent and not.
“He should have told you,” Montana whispers, his eyes full of unshed tears.
“We were waiting for the results and you had school…” my father tries but it’s futile.
“We both screwed up and now…we need a couple of days to cool off.”
“I don’t need a couple of days,” I challenge because the prospect of being without him—of losing him—makes me physically sick.
“I do.” His Adam’s apple bobs with the admission, and my hand flies to my mouth to suppress the sob that wants to escape. “I want to be ready and I want to do this right, and I want you to be with me because you’re in love with me and not because it’s comfortable. I would’ve married you at eighteen, Eddie, or when you graduated from college. I would have married you the second you stepped foot back in Blackstone Falls because you’ve always been it for me.” He takes a step forward and brushes a piece of hair behind my ear. “I would still marry you today, but I’d rather it be tomorrow when you know without a doubt that growin’ old is what you want with me.” Montana presses a lingering kiss against my forehead as I choke on a sob. “I’ll leave the keys in the truck so you can drive home, and I’ll get it later,” he says quietly as he takes a step back and then another. “All I’ve ever wanted was to be good enough for you—just make sure that I am.”
“Max,” I plead but it’s no use.
The snick of the door is worse than if he’d slammed it, my heart completely obliterated in my chest as I whirl toward the man who’s been quieter than not as my entire world has imploded.
“What the hell did you do?”
