Page 86 of Accidentally Falling
Exhaustion threatens to overtake me, the events of the day already too much to pretend a nap isn’t in my future. But I’ve barely sat down when there’s a knock on the door.
I want to tell them to go away but instead, I pull myself off the couch and head to the door. The knob turns easily in my hand, the door opening to reveal my father wearing a sheepish expression.
“Can I show you something?” my father says, his voice even despite the flicker of hope that flashes through his eyes.
“Sure,” I reply, following him to the couch, wariness flooding my veins as I ease myself onto the cushion. The fact that it’llprobably take me two tries to get myself back to standing isn’t helping either.
“Where’s Mom?”
“I dropped her off at her house.” He pulls out the book tucked under his arm and hands it to me.
“What’s this?” I ask, not looking at him as I flip open the cover, my fingers frozen where they grip the first page.
“I don’t have an album full of pictures of you. I didn’t go to your dance recitals or see you win a championship or a spelling bee. I missed your prom and graduations and every single milestone until the day you found me.”
“But you…” The words are a half thought, a whisper as I trace over the picture and read the words below.
Neighbors Come Out to Make a Difference
By, Arden James
Friends and neighbors gathered last Saturday to participate in a spring cleaning marathon to help those currently in need of assistance tidying up after a long winter…
I don’t needto read any more because I know the words by heart. It’d been my senior project in high school. So many of the people living in my hometown had needed help, and it went far beyond just the physical labor aspect and really to the heart of our community.
Stories were told and laughter and smiles exchanged. It was beautiful and the local paper had let me write up the story.
My story.
“I got an A on this,” I tell him with a watery smile, my hands shaking as I flip the page.
And then again.
“I printed every article I could find and read them all—some more than once. Your mom graciously provided copies of a couple of the early ones.”
“Why?”
“Because this is who you are and this is the person I can grow alongside. That your mother and I can grow alongside. Your words are beautiful, poignant, and funny. I can see your growth and it feels like I can be part of that journey—experience it together.”
“You’ve made me scared I’m going to lose Jude—that he’ll be like you and disappear. And Mom made me doubt myself in ways I can’t even describe,” I admit without looking up. “I can’t have that in my life.” Turning to meet his gaze, I add, “And you shouldn’t want that for me either.”
The admission is freeing, my eyes clouding with tears as my shoulders slump. So much has happened in the last year that it feels like I can’t quite catch my breath.
“You’re absolutely right. When I met Monroe, I felt like I was really living for the first time. She was so different from any woman I’d met before—unimpressed with my status and bank account. She felt like waking up, and when my now ex-wife told me she was pregnant, my whole world collapsed. I knew if I walked away from her, there wasn’t a chance in hell that she’d let me see Ellison. I gave up the love of my life to protect your sister.
“I can’t change the past. I did what I thought was right and screwed up a lot along the way. I was broken and a coward, but you know what?”
“What?”
“I got a second—well, third—chance, not just with your mother but with Ellison andyou.I’ve never been happier than I am today, and I’m learning to enjoy the big things and the littlethings.” He motions toward the book in my lap. “I’m doing my best to get to know you every way I can.”
“It all feels like it happened so fast. I know I sought you out and I don’t regret it, but all of that superficialget to know my fatherstuff feels like a lifetime ago. We were having coffee and now you’re dating my mom and even though she’s obviously okay with it, I can’t let go of the fact that you didn’t come back for us. For meorher. I was afraid you’d leave again, and I was devastated that this time it was Mom that did the leaving.”
The words are like ash on my tongue, the realization startling and alsofreeing.
Holy shit.
My entire life I’ve never needed Evan Mills. But I found him and formed a relationship with him on my terms. Then he started dating my mom and I got pregnant and got caught up with Jude.
