Page 11 of Accidentally Falling
Fingers fisting my shirt, I gasp at the intrusion, my eyes squeezing shut as blood roars in my ears. But it’s not blood.
It’s a heartbeat.
“Here we are,” Dr. Joyce says brightly as she clicks on the keyboard. “I’m taking some pictures for you if you’re not ready to look, but everything looks great. Nice strong heartbeat.”
I can do this.
Willing myself to move, I turn my head toward the sound and let my eyelids flutter open. The tears are immediate, the relief and terror andlovewelling in my chest making it hard to breathe.
But I don’t care because there’s a baby growing inside me, and right now, that’s the only thing I can focus on—the only thing that matters.
JUDE
UNKNOWN: It’s Arden. Can we talk?
I stare at the message—again—myfinger hovering over the keys as if I’m going to type out a reply. I have no idea how she got my number. Maybe I gave it to her when she came here to do the piece on the bar. We’d gotten an uptick in customers after it ran, Arden citing us asan absolutemust eat destination for tourists and locals alike.
That feels like a lifetime ago as I drag my hand down my face.
“What’s the matter?” Deacon asks, pulling the fridge door open and grabbing a beer. He holds it out to me but I just shake my head. The last thing I need is to get drunk and text Arden when I’ve gone from annoyed to hurt to pissed over one message.
“Nothing.”
He snorts and takes a sip of his drink, thumbing through his phone before a song by Descending North starts playing through the speakers.
“Listen—”
“No. You want to do this? Fine. I hooked up with a woman a couple of months ago and I thought there was something between us. There wasn’t. She’s been avoiding me and now,”—I wave my phone at him—“now she wants to talk and I got nothin’ to say.”
His expression gives nothing away, like he knew and he was just waiting for me to admit it.
“That sucks, man. I’m sorry.”
“It’s life,” I tell him, spreading my arms wide, the feeling of defeat settling over me again. I thought Arden was different; I thought she was someone I could really have a chance with.
And maybe I could have tried harder, tracked down her number orher,but I’ve been there and I’ve done my fair share of chasing women. I’m fucking tired. I’m tired and I just want someone totry.
“Doesn’t mean it doesn’t suck,” Deacon says, rinsing out the empty can and setting it on the counter.
“How do you do it?”
“Do what?”
“How do you go out and fuck around and be okay with it?”
“I like casual and I like the game. I’m always upfront about it because I’m not in it for the feelings.”
“And what if there are feelings?”
“Then it’s something we need to discuss. I’m not some kid, Jude. I can decide I want something different or change how I’m feeling. It’s not hard to be honest; you just have to be honest with yourself first.”
I’m practically gaping at him by the time he finishes, my barely younger brother schooling me not only on relationships with other people but the one with myself.
What a dick.
“That’s way more involved than I gave you credit for.”
He lifts a shoulder and lets it drop. “Do I want a relationship? Sure. But I’m gettin’ close to forty and I’m not going to invest time and energy in someone who doesn’t want the same things.”
