Page 43 of Accidentally Falling
Not even a little.
ARDEN: I think I just need some sleep
JUDE: I’ll be there soon
He doesn’t makea joke about my promise of a blow job and that makes me feel worse. He’s under my skin and it’s all too much…too fast.
And I can’t have that, even if I am starting to like him.
23
JUDE
Arden is quiet on the way back to her house. The girls made a big production when I got there—everyone except Ellison whose gaze drifted from me to her sister and back again. She pulled her cell phone from her pocket and shook it at me. I nodded back, not needing her to spell it out any further.
Something is off, and I’m going to have to figure it out.
And then report back.
“I need some time,” Arden says quietly when we’re parked in front of her house.
“What does that mean?”
“It means I was fine today but one comment has me spiraling. I like you but I don’t likemeright now and it’s awful having to admit that.”
“So, what do you want me to do? I’m not goin’ anywhere, no matter how hard you try and push me away,” I tell her as calmly as I can manage, turning enough to face her.
“I know.” Her hand swipes across her cheek, and I hate that there’s so much she won’t let me carry with her. “I don’t want to but I feel it. I’m scared you’re going to leave, and I’m terrified of even saying that out loud. I know we’re not my parents but Ican’t let it go either. I don’t want to need you, Jude. I want you to want to be here and I’m struggling to separate those things.”
Her words penetrate the deepest parts of me, the parts that I thought died with my mother, my injuries, and then my father. Pain radiates through my veins, a visceral reaction to the way she’s trying to tear us apart even if she says she isn’t.
Because the truth is that I’ve never wanted anyone the way I want her. Even before I knew about the baby, I’d wanted her.
Craved her.
And maybe that’s where I went wrong. But did she ever really give me a chance?
Instead of responding right away, I sit with her fear and her anxiety before asking, “I don’t think there’s anything I can say to make you understand I’m here. For you. With you. And not just because of the baby.” When she doesn’t speak, I know I’m right. “So, what do you need from me? How do I help you get to a place where you can see we’re in this together?”
She swallows hard, wringing her hands on her lap. “The paper wants me to go to Illinois and do an in-depth interview with Kat Harrington. I haven’t given them an answer.”
I don’t know Kat other than her work as a children’s book author, but I’m friendly with her brother Colt. He’d come to the bar when he first looked at buying property, both commercial and residential, in Blackstone Falls.
“For how long?”
“A couple of weeks.”
“And how does that work?”
“I’d go and see the city with her, follow her to meetings, and talk about her process and motivation.”
“That sounds like a really great opportunity,” I tell her honestly, even though I’ll absolutely be calling in a favor to Colt to check on her.
“Really?” The surprise in her voice does something to me, like she’s waiting for disapproval in all aspects of her life.
“Yeah, I think it does. I like reading what you write.”
“I don’t think I knew that,” Arden says, her lips falling into a frown.
