Page 10 of Enough
My heart staggers briefly at the thought that he might still love me and still want me. I stand and courageously begin to untie my robe. He jumps up and grabs my hands.
“That’s not what I meant. I’m tired. I just want to go to bed, okay?”
I nod sheepishly as he releases my hands. He looks me over briefly before he rubs his chin and turns back toward the bed. I can feel tears prick my eyes as I blurt out, “Do you notlove me anymore?”
He swirls around in frustration. “Do we have to do this now? I said I’m tired.”
“It’s a simple question, Mike. Answer the question. Do you love me?”
“Yes… Yes, I love you. Okay?”
It’s not okay. “Fine, you love me, but are youinlove with me?”
“There’s no difference,” he states matter-of-factly.
“Yes, there is. I’m your wife and you haven’t touched me, or even tried to touch me, in six months. What’s that all about? I thought all men wanted sex. If you don’t want it from me, is it because you’re getting it somewhere else?”
He starts to laugh. “With the hours I work, you really think I have time to get anything from anyone?”
“Well shit, Mike! That’s not a no!” I shout.
“No, Everly. No, I’m not having an affair if that’s what you’re asking. I’m working my ass off to provide for this family and I’m tired. All the fucking time.”
My eyes dart to the floor. “I know you are. I know you work hard. Thank you. Thank you for all you do for us.”
His eyes meet mine for a moment, and I see a hint of surprise in them.
“I know I don’t say it enough, but I appreciate you,” I add.
“Thanks,” he responds skeptically. He pulls back the covers and climbs into bed. He reaches over and turns out the light. I’m left standing in darkness. I turn on my heel as I clench my robe to my chest and head toward the door.
“Where are you going?”
I stop in my tracks and answer without turning. “To makelunches.”
“I thought you wanted me to touch you. I’m in bed. I’m waiting for you.”
I feel confused. Part of me is still hurt and part of me is relieved that he wants me in bed with him. I’m not sure I want it anymore, but I turn and head toward him anyway. I climb into bed next to him and he reaches out his hand to untie my robe. A surge of adrenaline shoots through me at the thought of his hands on me. It’s been so long.
He pushes the robe away from my skin and I’m immediately tense and self-conscious. I’m not wearing a bra, just my lacy underwear. It fits snuggly, and I’m aware there are rolls of fat in unattractive places. I try not to focus on my worries. After all, we’re married. I trust he can see past my flaws and know that inside, I’m the same girl he fell in love with all those years ago.
He removes the covers from himself and pulls down his boxers before he sits up to remove my panties. I giggle a little as he shrugs them off of me. I feel his mouth on my breast as he sucks my nipple into his mouth. I attempt to reach for him, but he lifts my hand over my head. Even when he lets it go, I leave it there for a moment, thinking it’s where he wants it to stay. I hear a condom wrapper tear and he’s inside me. It isn’t the foreplay I’d hoped for, but the warmth of his body and his hardness inside me feel so good, I let it go. He slowly starts pushing into me. I reach up to touch his face, letting him know I want him to kiss me. He leans down and kisses my cheek, then my neck, but not my lips. It bothers me, but I say nothing. I focus on the feeling of him inside me and his hands tugging and twisting savagely at my breasts. He picks up the pace and pushes faster and harder until he’s pounding me forcibly. He’srough, and although it almost hurts, I can feel my need building. I’ve never been one of those girls who comes during sex and he knows it, but having him inside me feels so good. Just to know he wants me… I feel him harden and he stops. He sighs and I can tell he’s done.
He rolls off me and onto his back. I turn toward him and kiss his chest. He pants as he yawns. “Do you want me to…?” He motions toward my vagina.
I’m not sure how to respond. I thought it was obvious by the way I grabbed on to him and moaned. “If you want to?” I ask hopefully.
“I do, but I’m just so tired.” He yawns again. “You understand, right?”
I don’t know what to say, so I just nod. He kisses my forehead and rolls onto his side, away from me. I lie there for a while, thinking he’ll reconsider, until I hear him begin to snore. I slowly crawl out of bed and plod into the bathroom to pee. I consider touching myself, but I don’t. I stand in front of the mirror and stare at the girl inside. I feel cheap, like trash. I feel worse after being with him that way than I did not being with him at all. I wanted to make love, but I had sex. No, actually,hehad sex. I hadnothing. I wash my hands and head back downstairs to let out the dog and make lunches. After I put everything away and turn out the light, I start back up to bed. I can hear him snoring and realize I don’t even want to be near him. I slowly tread back into the kitchen. I pick up my phone from the counter, set my alarm, grab a blanket from the closet, and curl up into a ball on the couch. I think of pulling out the romance novel I’ve been reading to get my mind off of how hurt I feel, but hearing about a strong woman who overcomes her problems and ends up with the man of her dreams is notwhat I need right now. I feel hopeless. I’ll never be one of those people. I’m destined to livethislife. I love a man who doesn’t love me back. I’m alone. I want to cry, but I can’t. I’m numb. I’m just numb.
Ten years earlier
I STARE AT the plain silver band on my left finger and twist it around in a circle as I wait in the doctor’s office. Two weeks ago, Mike suggested we get married. It was a quick wedding at the courthouse. My grandma Kay and Gwen were there as well as Mike’s mom and dad. I wore a simple powder-blue dress and Mike wore a dress shirt, no tie. I think back to his proposal that night in his apartment.
“We should just do it,” he says.
I take a large bite of my taco and watch the insides of the hard shell crumble out onto my plate. It’s my second taco and I’m still hungry. This baby makes me crave everything. I never knew I would want to eat so much. “Do what?” I ask as I take another bite.
