Page 2 of Enough
My eyes dart up to his. “What? No! We couldn’t! Is that what you want?”
He falls into the space next to me and turns my shoulders so that I’m facing him. “You know I love you, right?”
I nod my head, even though I’m not sure I believe him at the moment.
“It’s just really bad timing, you know? I mean, I still have two years of business school left and a lot I want to do. Being a dad isn’t one of those things right now.”
“Well, maybe you should have thought of that before you promised me you’d pull out and then didn’t.”
Mike leaps abruptly in defense. “Fuck, Everly! Are youblaming me for this?”
Even though I totally am, I shake my head no because I don’t want to fight right now.
“I just think it would be best if we put it behind us,” he adds as he scratches his head and stares down into my eyes.
I glare at him as I ask, “Are you suggesting I have an abortion?” My hand protectively covers my stomach as my eyes search his fearfully. Is this the same guy I saw bounce a baby on his leg at his cousin’s wedding three months ago?
“Listen…” he begins.
I feel a gurgle and twist in my stomach. It’s like the baby is trying to tell me what my brain is already saying.Listen…? Hell no.I’m not a “listen” kinda girl. That word alone has so many condescending undertones it makes me cringe and lurch at the same time.I hear the voice inside my head scream at me.Run, Everly, run. Screw him. You don’t need him. If he doesn’t want this baby, then you don’t want him.
“I’m thinking about you too, you know. What will your grandmother say? How are you going to complete your classes with a baby?”
I swallow hard. I hadn’t thought about telling my Grandma Kay. She’s the only family I have left since my parents died in an accident right before I graduated high school. She’d always been like a second mom to me, and after their loss, I needed her more than ever. I can picture the disappointment in her eyes when I tell her.
“I just think you need to consider all your options,” Mike continues.
“What is it with thisyoustuff? Is this notourbaby? Why are you making it sound like this is all on me?”
Mike sits back down and wraps his arm around my shoulder.I immediately feel warmer until he hugs it briefly and releases me.What the hell?If I hadn’t said anything about a baby tonight, I guarantee I would have been sitting on his lap with his tongue down my throat. Now, when I need his support the most, he’s barely touching me? I need him to hold me.
“I know it ours, okay?” he responds with a sigh and a roll of his eyes.
I leap from my sitting position and rush toward the door, grabbing my backpack as I run.
“Where are you going?” he asks, shocked.
I turn as I reach for the handle. “I really thought you’d be supportive. I really thought you’d be holding me and telling me it was going to be okay because you love me and want me, and that we’d somehow be all right.”
“Everly… I do love you. I’m just scared, okay?”
“Don’t you think I’m scared too?” I question anxiously.
“I know you are. It’s just that you’ve always been the strong one. You’ve always been the one who thinks things through. I don’t have any answers. I really just need you to be strong right now and make the right decision for the both of us.”
I can feel tears in my eyes. I can’t take another minute of him. Iamthe strong one—all the time. I listen to him and offer advice. I help him pick out his classes and tell him what to say to his professor when he needs an extension on an assignment. And now, when I need him… when I really need him the most, he can’t be here for me in any way, shape, or form. It’s like I suddenly have a disease, and he’s afraid if he gets too close he’ll get pregnant too.
Yanking open the door, I charge to the stairwell and down the stairs. I feel my legs buckling under me and I rapidlysearch for the railing to steady myself. Shaking, I glance up the stairs to see if he saw what almost happened, and he’s not there. He didn’t even bother to come after me. I could have fallen down the stairs and lost the b—
I stop myself as the horror of the idea rushes into my mind like the bursting of a dam. It’s then that I imagine his probable relief if I would have fallen. I guess I should feel fortunate he didn’t push me himself. He might as well have. I feel like I’m falling down a hole. I’m alone and it’s dark.
I STAND IN the street and lean on the passenger-side door as I stare at my Grandmother Kay’s house. After my last class today, I made the hour drive home. I didn’t tell her I was coming because I wasn’t sure I could go through with it. I almost turned around at least ten times. My hands shake as I chew the nail of my thumb. I almost always keep my nails polished and filed into a square, but as I glance down at them, I see only nubs and broken slivers of my pink polish. I chewed off every single nail on the drive after I ran out of Twizzlers.
I lift my cell phone from my back pocket and scroll through my texts. Nothing… not a single text or call from Mike since I spoke with him three days ago. My roommate and best friend, Gwen, knows something is wrong. I just can’t bring myself to tell her. Gwen and I were friends during high school, but it wasn’t until the end of senior year that we became best friends. We have so many things in common it’s ridiculous. When we both decided on nursing as our major, becoming roomies in college was a no-brainer.
I close my eyes and take a steadying breath. The sun is setting in the distance and the cool fall breeze adds to the chill of impending doom I already feel in my bones. I’ve been shaking since I found out I was pregnant, but I’m certain it became worse when I turned down her street. The cool breeze just gives me more of an excuse to wrap my arms around myself.
The sidewalk leading to the house seems longer than I recall. My eyes ascend, and I stare at her red front door. A smile lifts the corner of my mouth as I remember helping her paint it after I broke up with my first boyfriend, Nick, when I was a senior in high school. Grandma Kay said painting it would help take my mind off my shattered heart.
