Page 62 of Enough
MY FIRST NIGHT in Labor and Delivery is exciting and exhausting. I’m busy the entire night and I love every second of it. I call Gwen on my way home since I forgot to text her back. She asks again if I’ve heard from Nick. I explain that I was so busy at work, I forgot all about calling him, again. I’m secretly proud of myself. I have my priorities in line for the first time in my life. I don’t let a man dictate my actions.
I wonder if deep down inside I’m actually avoiding calling him. I’m not even convinced I want to. He brings out all these feelings in me and I’m so confused by what they mean. I haven’t allowed myself to feel this way in so long. I tell Gwen what he said in his message.
“So he was traveling and that’s why it took him so long to call? That makes perfect sense! See, I knew there was a reason he didn’t call right away!”
“It’s weird. The number he called from is a local number. I wonder if he’s in town.”
“Well shit, Ev. You’d better call him back! What if heisin town?”
“Why don’t you ask Cooper?”
“I haven’t spoken to him.”
“He hasn’t called you since the date?”
“It wasn’t a date, and yes, he’s called. I just never returned them.”
“Gwen!”
“What?”
“Why are you ignoring Cooper?”
“Why are you avoiding Nick?”
I sigh. I don’t have an excuse for myself, so I let it go. After my conversation with Gwen I change my clothes and climb into bed. I can’t stop thinking about Nick. After I lie there foran hour, unable to get him off my mind, I remember a box of old photos in my closet. I push out of bed and flip on the closet light. I lift up on my tiptoes to reach the box, and I slide down to the floor with it once I have it in my hands. Mike never knew about this box. He never really cared about my stuff, so it wasn’t surprising he never asked me about it.
As I flip through the pictures, I find one of my mom and me before my senior Christmas dance. She’s so beautiful. Her smile reminds me of how much I miss her, and I almost start to cry. Then I flip to the next picture and there he is. Nick in a suit. I cover my right eye with my hand and laugh to myself. He and Cooper were wearing sunglasses and posing. Amy and I double dated with them to the dance. Nick flew out for the weekend because I wasn’t going to go without him. The next picture is of the two us. It’s followed by ten to twenty more from the time we spent dating. Each picture elicits a feeling in me. Some make me laugh, some make me tingle from head to toe, and some make me hurt. The next one is from Christmas, right before he left to go home. The last picture before we broke up. I can see the pain in my eyes, and I’m reminded of all the doubts I had. The feelings of not being enough. I felt pressured and stupid. I felt like I wasn’t making him happy. Did he look happy? No, he didn’t. Something was off in his eyes too. I grab the stacks of photos and shove them back into the box, closing the lid. I stand and brush myself off, glaring at the box for a moment before I kick it into the back of the closet. I hate the familiar pangs of sadness they create in me.
I lift my phone and stare at Nick’s message. I wasn’t enough for him then, and I’ll be damned if I let myself feel that way ever again. Never again will I accept that I’m not enough. Never again.
FOUR DAYS LATER, I yawn audaciously as I drive Marlow to her soccer game. It’s eight on a Saturday morning and I’m exhausted. Grandma Kay and Kale are in the car behind us. Kay stayed over while I worked last night, and when I got home at seven fifteen, she had a cup of coffee waiting for me. I’m so lucky to have her. She made sure the kids were ready to go while I took a quick shower. Kale insisted he ride in her car on the way to Marlow’s first game. As I drive and yawn once more, I decide that whoever made the decision to have 8:00A.M.soccer games should be shot.
Marlow is bouncing in her seat. “Daddy’s here!” she yells as she points to the field. “Ooh! So is Coach’s friend. Daddy’s talking to him! Can I go, can I go?”
“Put on your hat. It’s cold.”
“Mom, please?” she begs as she pulls her hat down to almost cover her eyes.
“Go ahead,” I say with a wave of my arm, and she bolts from the door. I watch her run to her father, but she seems more interested in the man he’s having a conversation with. I can’t see him because he has his back to me, but he bends down and Marlow throws her arms around him. Mike seemsfine with it. He must know the guy.
I park the car and glance up to my reflection in the rearview mirror. Although I haven’t slept, I did manage to brush my hair and put on a little makeup. I haven’t actually seen Mike in a couple of months. My heart fills with dread at the idea of making more small talk with Krista, but the kids seem to think she’s nice, so I make the executive decision to be nice back for the simple reason that she’s kind to my kids.
I hear a tapping on my window and turn to see Grandma Kay and Kale watching me from outside. Kale’s giggling at me, and Kay has a funny smile on her face. I open my door and step out, saying, “What?” to them with my hands in the air.
“What were you doin’, Mom?” Kale asks with obvious amusement. “You looked like you were talking to yourself!”
“Maybe I was.” I growl playfully before I head to the back of the van to remove our folding chairs. I hand one to Kale and take the other two along with a blanket. “Brr. It’s cold today.”
“You’re always cold, Mom. I think it’s a perfect day.”
“Well, perfect or not, zip up your coat,” I tell him as a motion toward it.
“I think it’s cold too,” Kay says as she shivers.
I reach in the back and pull out an extra blanket. Kay grins.
“That’s my girl! Always prepared.”
