Page 75 of Enough
His lips press into a fine line, and I rest my head back onto his leather seat to avoid his gaze. The entire car smells like him, and it’s a little overwhelming. I lift my hand to wipe my nose, and he produces a handkerchief from his suit pocket.
“Always the gentleman,” I mumble.
“I wish that were true,” he states matter-of-factly.
“Where are we going?”
“Anywhere you want.” After a few minutes of driving and silence between us, he asks, “Do you mind if I pull over so I can look at you?”
I nod my head, and within a minute we’re in the parking lot of a business center.
He unbuckles his seat belt and turns to face me. I’m holding the cloth in my hands and running my fingers over the soft fabric. He eyes it quizzically, so I explain. “It’s too fancy. I don’t want to wipe my eyes and ruin it.”
“It’s nothing, Ever. Please…”
He seizes it from my hand and tenderly presses it to the skin under my eyes. He wipes gently as his left hand cups my face and turns it toward him. He’s so careful and loving that the act itself is probably the nicest thing any man has ever done for me. I find my head leaning into his hand, and he sighs heavily as he inches closer to me. He leans his forehead against mine.
I glance up to see his pained eyes. “I’m sorry,” I whisper. “I didn’t mean to embarrass you in the restaurant.”
He tears his forehead from mine while still holding my head in his hands. “You could never, Ever.”
“Never ever?” I question with a giggle, and his responding smile, my smile, fills me up inside. All my emotions and needs boil to the surface. He’s so close, and his touch… and his eyes with the slight crow’s feet in the corners, along with his cologne… It’s Nick. He’s here and I’m lost in him.
I lean my head forward, and without giving it another thought, I press my lips to his. His lips are soft and warm. In an instant I’m transported through time, and I’m back on the front step of my parents’ house, where he’s kissing me for the first time. It’s all that, but somehow more.
He doesn’t pull away. As soon as my lips touch his, he draws me in closer and kisses me tenderly. He pauses for a second as if he’s attempting to breathe. Then he deepens the kiss. I feel his tongue slide along mine as his lips tighten. He caresses my lips with his.
He moans softly as he continues to explore my mouth. His hand moves to the back of my head, and mine lifts to his neck. His tongue invades my mouth as if he’s having a meal he never thought he’d taste again. I know because I feel the same way.
My body responds to his kiss, and I can’t deny how much I long to feel his touch. It’s been so long since he held me in his arms, since I felt this way with any man. Being with him, like this, reminds me of how safe I felt when we were together. I was never afraid with him, and I always felt wanted. The memories cause an ache in my chest. But the ache doesn’t hurt, it longs for more.
He kisses my lips softly and then presses his cheek against mine. “You…” he whispers softly.
“Me?” I question.
He gazes into my eyes and then turns abruptly to stare out the window. “Nick?” I question. “What’s wrong?”
He rotates and faces the steering wheel. His eyes narrow as he stares off into space. “At the soccer game, you said that you thought you weren’t enough for me.” He glances toward me. “What did you mean by that?”
I sigh heavily and my head drops. This talk is long overdue. I need to explain how I felt back then and also what I feel right now. Somehow the words just come to me, probably because I’ve rehearsed over a hundred times what I would say to him if I ever had the chance. “When we were together, Ialways felt like I couldn’t give you what you needed. What you wanted most from me.”
“Sex?” he questions with pain in his voice.
I nod my head. “I wasn’t ready to move forward and I felt like I was holding you back. It was all we would talk about. When we were together, it was all you wanted to do. I started to feel like I was just a conquest.”
“That’s not true. You were way more than that. Why didn’t you talk to me? Why didn’t you tell me how I made you feel?”
“I tried. But I’d call you at school and there would always be some girl in the background. I felt like you were cheating on me and it hurt.”
He faces me and takes my hand in his. “I swear to you on my life that I never cheated on you. Never. Not once. I never wanted anyone but you. You were everything to me. You could have been my everything.”
The “could have” makes me want to cry. I’m back to my suspicion that he needs to tell me what I missed out on by not staying with him, and it causes me physical pain. I remove my hand from his.
“Don’t,” he says as his chin juts forward. “What did I say?”
I take a deep breath to calm myself. I don’t want to cry again. “Nothing. It’s fine.”
“No, it isn’t, because just a second ago I was holding your hand and now I’m not. You did the same thing in the restaurant.”
