Page 25 of Enough
“Oh yeah… All this can be yours too for the low, low price of no self-esteem and a shitty love life.”
“Why the low self-esteem?” I ask, holding my hand over my mouth as I chew. “It could be worse. You could be me.”
“At least you have two kids who adore you to come home to.”
“I have two kids. I’m not sure they adore me.”
“Those kids would be lost without you!” Gwen’s eyes ferociously bore into mine. I know she hates it when I doubt myself as a mom, but she doesn’t realize how bad I suck.
“I won’t be winning any mother of the year awards,” I tell her.
“You’re basically raising those kids by yourself. Mike only shows up when it’s convenient.”
“He’s working,” I respond with downcast eyes.
“You deserve better, Ev. He should be thankful he has you to come home to. I swear I would beat the shit out of him if you’d let me. I bet I could take his wimpy ass down in three seconds flat.”
The image of Gwen beating up Mike causes me to laugh loudly and almost spit out my food. The motion reminds me that my boobs hurt. I reach up to adjust them.
Gwen laughs as she motions toward my chest. “What’s up?”
“I’m really uncomfortable.”
“Do you have your period?” she asks.
“No. Not yet. I’m sure it’s coming. It’s way overdue.”
Gwen straightens her posture. “What do you mean it’s overdue?”
“You know I’m not regular.”
“How long has it been, Ev?”
I cringe. “Two or three weeks… or maybe a couple of months.”
“Oh shit! Are you pregnant?”
“God, no! I mean… Mike and I have only had sex once in forever and he used a condom.”
She shoots me a look I’ve seen before.
“No, Gwen! No. There’s no way!”
She eyes me skeptically and the subject is dropped.
The entire ride from her house to the school, I start thinking about how I feel. I count days. I think about the nature of my cramps. I feel myself starting to panic. I have a few minutes before I need to get the kids, so I stop at the corner store and buy a pregnancy test just to confirm what I already know in my heart. There’s no fucking way.
I FEEL THE bile rising in my throat. I’m shaking uncontrollably as fear racks my body and my brain. I stare at the two tests and the two bright little plus signs on both of them.
“No!” I shout out loud, thankful the kids are watching a loud TV downstairs.
I slump to the floor.How could I be pregnant? We used a condom. We had sex one time and used a condom!I stop myself mid thought. I should know they aren’t a hundred percent reliable. I did complete three years of nursing school.
As I say the words in my head, I remember the stack of paperwork I’d started filling out to go back to school.Are you fucking kidding me? Not again!The last time I was ready to go back to school, I found out I was pregnant with Marlow.Does God so badly not want me to be a nurse that he made me pregnant again?
I sit with my back against the door and feel tears threaten my eyes.Maybe I’d be a bad nurse. Maybe someone would die at my hands. Maybe I’m not meant to be anything but a fucking housekeeper. God dammit! Why? Why does this always happen to me when I start to think about myself? I guess I’m not allowed to think about me. I’m a fucking breeder. That’s all I’m good for.
I lift my knees to my chest and wrap my arms around my legs. Another baby…I love Kale and Marlow, but another baby with a man who doesn’t give a shit about me? Oh God… Mike. What will he say? This fucking sucks. I should have just kept my legs closed. I didn’t even get an orgasm out of it! What a rip-off!
