Page 33 of Enough
“Just play. Okay?”
“Fine,” I murmur and roll my eyes at him.
“Why are you rolling your eyes at me, Krista?” he asks seductively.
“Umm… because I’m trying to figure out how to get you to want me.”
“It’s not hard,” he responds.
I reach down and grab his dick in my hand. “Not yet.”
After giving him a sexy blowjob and some of my best moves, he flips me over and takes me from behind. It’s hot and sweaty. I try not to mind that he calls me Krista while he’s asking me if I want to be fucked. I go with it, reminding myself it’s just a game. After we’ve both been satisfied, Mike closes his eyes, and I begin to feel a little weird about it all. It’s the first time he’s asked me to use a different name during sex.
“Mike?”
“Um hmm?”
“Do you like to just fuck? I mean, would you rather just fuck than make love?”
Mike sighs and kisses my cheek. “I love making love to you. This was just for fun, okay? Don’t go reading into it.”
I nod my head, and he smiles briefly before turning over and going to sleep. Something in my gut wonders if he knows a Krista, but then I remind myself that he loves me. It’s just for fun. Everything is fine.
We often ignore the truth to protect our hearts. But denial is temporary. The lies we tell ourselves burn forever in the corners of our mind. They linger and tease their legitimacy until we are willing to surrender to what we already know. They whisper and warn while we purge and ignore. It is easier to live a lie than to face the facts. Everything is not and will never be okay. It’s time to crawl into my reality.
AN HOUR AFTER Grandma Kay leaves to pick up the kids from school, I’m fully dressed and waiting for my discharge papers. Grandma Kay had the foresight to bring me fresh clothes. I’m thankful when the hospital agrees to dispose of the clothing I was wearing when I lost her. I don’t think I could stand to see the blood again.
I sigh as I stare at the identification band around my wrist showing my admittance. I vow that I’ll keep it forever. It’s all I have left of her. It’s as if she never even existed. The realization makes the tears flow again. My thoughts are interrupted by the nurse. She’s not the same nurse I saw the night before, and for that, I’m very thankful.
“Hi, sweetie. I’m here to go over a few things with you before you go home, okay?”
I nod my head.
“I don’t mean to sound insensitive at all, so please understand that the things I need to tell you are not meant to cause you any further emotional pain.”
I nod again, and she scoots down next to me on the bed. She gives me a quick side hug, and I like her instantly. Her amazing bedside manner reminds me of the kind of nurse Iwant to be. I promise myself that if… no,whenI become one, I will always be sensitive to my patients’ feelings and needs.
“You may continue to bleed for a few days up to a few weeks. This is normal. If you experience any abnormally heavy bleeding, you should contact your OB/GYN. Has Dr. Gernsbaugh been in to see you?”
I nod my head. I really want to get this over with as quickly as possible. I hear footsteps in the hall, but they stop abruptly outside my door. I consider the idea that I’m hearing things until I see my nurse gaze toward the door expectantly. She glances at me after a moment, shrugs her shoulders, and continues to tell me not to use tampons, to make sure I clean myself thoroughly, and to abstain from sex. I laugh at the absurdity of the “sex” part, and she pauses. After she gives me some at-home supplies and a last dose of pain medicine, she wishes me well. She turns before she leaves and offers me a handout.
“I know how you’re feeling right now. I’ve been where you are. It does help to talk about it. You can call me anytime. I wrote my number on the top of this sheet.”
I glance at the page. I read “Nurse Patty” at the top with her digits underneath. Then I notice the handout has grief support group information on it. I try to hand it back and tell her I don’t need it, but she insists, so I take it to appease her.
“Do you have a ride home?”
“Umm, yeah. I texted my friend. She should be here any minute now.”
She smiles kindly before she leaves and tells me to call her if I need anything. I neatly fold the paper and stick it into the back pocket of my jeans. I just want to go home. Home… I haven’t even considered what I’m going to do next.
I hear a knock and glance up, expecting to see Gwen. Instead, I see Mike. Mike with a black eye.
“Get out!” I yell, pointing toward the door.
“Please let me talk to you. Please?” he begs.
“What could you possibly have left to say to me? Did you come to kick me when I’m down?”
