Page 49 of Enough
“We need to get our asses in shape. I’m going to force myself to go for a quick run. You should come with me!”
I sigh. “I have class.”
“What the hell happened? You were doing so well.”
I spend the next five minutes giving her the short rundown of my night. She gasps when she hears Krista’s name. Of course she remembers. I knew she would. Best friends remember the good stuffandthe bad stuff. There wasn’t much about my sex life that Gwen didn’t know. Sex… I sigh again. I don’t even remember the last time I came from something not self-induced. My eyes flicker to the microwave clock. “Oh shoot, I gotta go to class,” I mumble.
As I turn and grab my books, she says, “Promise me no more cheating!”
“What?” I question as I speed toward the door.
“Ev!”
“Sorry, can’t hear you!”
Once I’m in the car I make a beeline for McDonalds andsay goodbye to my progress.
TRAFFIC IS A nightmare. After clinicals, I have to take several detours to make it to the school on time to get the kids. As I’m driving down a side road through the business district, my mind wanders to everything that Gwen said this morning. I vow to jump back on the wagon as soon I get home.
After Kale and I finish math homework and a social studies worksheet, I drop him off at karate and then take Marlow to soccer. While I’m watching her run the field, my mind wanders to Nick, my high school boyfriend. I remember watching him practice once when I went to visit. He was the forward on his college team. I sigh and distract myself by watching people running up and down a large sledding hill. I’d never paid any attention to it before, but this time I find it fascinating. It looks really hard. I wonder if I could do it. A few seconds later, I see a man three times my size going up and down. He amazes me. He’s pushing himself. You can see it on his face. Just when I think he’s ready to quit, he keeps going.
It’s always hard for me to put myself out there in front of people. It’s why I never want to run outside with Gwen and why I hide in her basement on the treadmill. But it’s time for a change. It’s a year for change. I have to admit to myself that even though I’ve had a lot of moments of serious depression since Mike and I split, I still feel better for not fighting with him every night or having to hear him put me down. I’ve started to make progress on myself mentally. Know I needed to get my act together physically. I need to feel better about myself.
I slowly wander to the hill, very much aware of all the eyes that might be watching or judging me. I feel extremely insecure. I stand at the bottom and gaze at my sneakers. I’m afraid to raise my eyes to see people snickering behind my back. Then I hear him.
“First step is the hardest. Well, actually, each step sucks. I can’t lie. But it feels good to move. You can do it! Look at me!”
The same man who motivated me to walk over to the hill is now encouraging me to try to climb it. I smile at him, and he waves as he huffs each step back up the hill. I decide it’s time I took a step for me. I start to sing Miley Cyrus’s “The Climb” in my head with each step I take. I laugh at myself and the irony of the song. With each step I feel a little better and a little more confident. The man I just met high-fives me whenever we pass each other going up or down. He makes me laugh each time I pass him, and I start to try to keep up with his pace. I force myself to go up and down ten times. My legs are on fire, but it feels good. I just walked my way back into my plan, but this time I feel better about my reasons for doing it. It’s one thing to say I’m doing it for me, but it’s another thing to believe the words. I make a commitment to fall back in love with myself. I realize that I could never believe in someone’s love for me if I can’t see my own worth in being loved. If I am ever going to move on or move forward, I need to be happy inside. Today is one step up the long hill to a better me. Walking forward, not looking back. No more looking back.
EVERY TIME MARLOW has practice I walk the hill. It starts getting easier each time. I also walk on the treadmill and even try my hand at running on it. After a month of exercise and making healthier choices, I’ve lost ten pounds. It isn’t a very noticeable change, but Gwen says she can see the difference in my face and hips. We are doing great together. It’s nice to have someone to encourage me, and when Gwen wants to quit, I remind her of our goal.
Marlow’s first soccer game of the new season is today. It’s a Saturday, so no classes, and although it’s a grey, chilly day, my mood is really positive. Usually grey days make me want to curl into a ball and feel sorry for myself. Gwen has the weekend off, so she and I place our folding chairs on the sidelines, ready to root for Marlow’s team, the Green Goblins. Marlow’s pumped for her first game, and even Kale’s excited to watch his sister.
I watch Norman approach her and touch the green ribbon I tied in her hair this morning. She pushes his hand off her hair and struts away. He gazes after her in confusion, and I laugh to myself. I love that girl. She’s my inspiration on so manylevels.
“How about we take the kids out to dinner tonight?” Gwen suggests. “It’ll be fun to do something different.”
“Yeah.” I smile. “Something different sounds great!”
“Mom, can I have a dollar for the concession stand?” Kale asks.
I reach into my purse and pull out a single. He runs off in the direction of the sugar hut.
A cool breeze makes me decide to put my mittens on my hands. I hate it when my hands are cold. I turn to the left and right, watching for Grandma Kay, but she isn’t here yet. “Hey, do you mind if I ask Kay to come along?” I ask Gwen.
“Of course not. I love that woman!”
I focus on Marlow as she practices kicking balls into the goal. She smiles brightly and waves her hands all around as if trying to get someone’s attention. I think she’s spotted Grandma Kay, so I follow her gaze to my left, expecting to see her waving back.
I actually feel the blood drain from my face. Marlow is waving to her father and his female friend. Marlow turns to point out her father to me, and I nod my head sheepishly. Gwen sees Marlow wave to me and glances up to see Mike and his new girl.
“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me,” Gwen states as she glares in Mike’s direction.
He’s holding her hand and walking straight toward me. She has short red hair and she’s skinny and stylish. She’s fair skinned and strides with complete confidence. I don’t remember ever seeing him so happy.Need to breathe. I have a sudden craving for chocolate and potato chips. After I found out he introduced her to the kids without talking to me first, we had a small fight on the phone. I’m pissed he brought her here anddidn’t bother asking me if it was okay. He’s learned nothing.
“Hey, Gwen.” Mike waves as if they are old friends. Gwen’s mouth drops to the floor in utter shock.
“Hi, Everly. How are you?” he asks.
