Page 74 of The Chaos She Brings
24
I’m Not Supposed To Feel This Way
Carina to Tess: I miss you. Be strong. [undelivered]
Tess
Mysobsareloudand ugly, filling the otherwise empty room.
I don’t care. I can’t stop them.
The man left not long after dropping the bombshell that both Kai and Nico are dead.
The words still echo in my head, but none of it feels real. What the hell am I supposed to do with that? What am I supposed to feel?
I’m angry. I think. I was angry with Kai, or maybe I just liked pretending that I was. I’m not sure it's even fair to be angry at a dead man. What difference doesit make now?
I lied to myself. I told myself I was fine with how things were between us—how he kept pushing me away. I told myself I could deal with it. But deep down, I was hurt. I still am.
Now, he's gone.
And I’ll never know if he would have let me in. If he would’ve ever let his walls down for me.
The door clanks. The lock slides open.
I don’t look up, not at first.
A new man enters.
“Here.” He grunts, thrusting a white nightgown at me like it’s some kind of demand.
I look at it like it’s poison. "I’m not putting that on."
He just shrugs, doesn’t even bother to argue, and leaves.
What the fuck do they want from me?
Time becomes this endless blur, stretching out until I can’t tell where one moment ends and the next begins.
People bring me food, water, new clothes. I ignore them all, pushing away the things they offer like it might change anything.
Eventually, though, someone brings me something I can wear—real clothes, not that damn nightgown. As if I would ever put that on.
More tears fall, and it feels like a relief. Like maybe if I cry enough, the pain will stop.
No one has come in to hurt me yet—a small mercy, I guess. But the waiting... the waiting is the worst part. Endless stretches of time where all I have are my own thoughts. And all I can think about is him.
Him.
Always him.
The image of him is stuck in my head, replaying like a broken record. Every glance, every moment, every kiss—gone now. And I never got the chance to tell him what I felt. Never got the chance to ask him if he would’ve let me love him.
But I don’t think I’ll ever get that chance. Not now.
Kai
“The break could have been much worse, so you’re lucky.” The doctor’s voice is distant, like I’m hearing it through a thick fog. His words barely register as my mind drifts.
