Page 126 of The Chaos She Brings
“Yes. That’s exactly what I’ve decided,” I huff. “Otherwise, you’ll keep pulling away because you think it’s easier. You think if you push me out, I won’t be able to hurt you when I eventually leave. Because that’s what you think, isn’t it? That I’ll leave again.” I meet his gaze. “But I’m. Not. Leaving.”
Kai tries to argue. I don’t let him.
“I love you.” The words tumble out before I can stop them. “Okay? I love you. I love how you make me coffee in the morning, how you let me talk for hours even though you don’t care about half the shit I say. I love your stupidly big heart. Even when you barely knew me, you helped me. You helped me get rid of Jake’s body. You came for me when Mikhail cornered me. You made Nate fit my carpet! Kai, I—
I don’t get to finish. Kai grabs my face and crashes his lips to mine.
I moan into his mouth, fingers threading through his hair, pulling him impossibly closer. He kisses me like he’s starving for it, like he’s just as desperate as I am. When he finally pulls back, his forehead rests against mine, breath warm against my lips.
“I love you too,” he murmurs, voice rough. “You maddening, chaotic woman.”
“Oh,” I whisper, as his lips ghost over mine once more.
He pulls away slightly, his hands cradling my face, thumbs tracing over my cheekbones. His gaze is searching now, sharp.
“Now tell me what’s really going on.”
I frown. “What do you mean? I just told you—”
“You told me you’re not leaving. I believe that.” His thumb strokes over my cheek. “But Tess… you didn’t just decide to move in here without consulting me to prove a point. What’s really going on?”
My chest caves. The air in the room disappears.
Tears spill over before I can stop them.
Kai moves without hesitation, pulling me into his arms, holding me against his chest as my body shakes from the force of my sobs. I clutch at his shirt, trying to steady myself, trying to breathe, but the words claw their way up before I can stop them.
“He raped me.”
Kai goes rigid. His arms tighten around me; his entire body coiled like a live wire.
He doesn’t speak. Not yet.
I choke on a breath, my voice barely more than a whisper. “I couldn’t sit at home. Alone. With time to think about it. I needed to keep my mind busy. The memories are too much.”
“Tess…” His voice cracks. “You didn’t tell me.”
I pull away, needing to see his face.
“I didn’t know how.”
His eyes glisten, pain stark in his expression. His mouth opens and closes, like he’s searching for words that won’t come.
“Fuck,” he breathes. “I can’t believe you were going to deal with this alone.” He shakes his head, like he’s disgusted with himself. Then his gaze turns pleading. “How can you ever forgive me?”
I frown. “Forgive you?”
“For pushing you away after you went through something like that.” He drops his head in shame.
I climb into his lap, cupping his face, pressing soft kisses across his cheek, his forehead, his jaw. “You didn’t know.”
He tries to pull away, but I don’t let him. “It’s not your fault,” I whisper. “It’s mine.”
His whole body tenses. A strangled noise of protest catches in his throat.
“It is,” I insist. “I knew what would happen if I left. But I went with him anyway, because I thought I was protecting you.”
I let my head fall against his shoulder, breathing him in, grounding myself in the steady rhythm of his heartbeat. “I made a mistake.”
