Page 174 of Knotting the Firefighters
"I didn't accept because I knew I wanted an Omega," he begins quietly, each word carefully chosen. "Specifically wanted you, actually. Couldn't pursue a relationship with Aidric without at least attempting a connection with the one Omega who'd ever lit fire in me."
Me.
He's talking about me.
Wanted me before we even properly met.
How long has he been carrying this?
"You're the only one who really ignited that particular passion," Calder continues, vulnerability evident despite closed eyes preventing direct eye contact. "Watched you from a distance in LA, admired your professional competence, found myself drawn to your particular combination of strength and femininity."
He was watching me.
In LA.
Before I even knew he existed beyond generic colleague awareness.
"Aidric noticed," he admits with something approaching regret. "When I came back from LA to visit before confirming my decision to stay with the department. He saw how I talked about you, recognized that my interest wasn't a casual attraction but a genuine fixation."
Aidric knew.
Knew that Calder was interested in me specifically.
That must have made the rejection exponentially more painful.
"Think his proposal was partially secure-me move rather than organic timing," Calder's analysis is clinical, detached in ways that suggest he's processed this extensively. "Felt like he was trying to lock me down before I could pursue other options, before the hypothetical Omega became actual competition."
Secure-me move.
Trying to claim Calder before he could explore other possibilities.
Desperate attempt to prevent exactly what ended up happening.
"Truthfully, I didn't want that," Calder's voice carries conviction, eyes opening to meet mine with intensity that steals breath. "Our love didn't deserve to be rushed, manipulated by fear rather than genuine readiness. Didn't want Aidric thinking I was leaving him entirely—would have figured out a way to make long-distance work if he'd been patient."
Would have tried.
Despite difficulty, despite distance, despite all the practical obstacles.
Would have maintained the connection if Aidric hadn't forced the ultimatum.
"But the rejection made everything burn to ash," he concludes with bitter accuracy. "Instead of communicating like mature adults, we devolved into constant arguing, passive-aggressive sniping, and avoiding actual conversation about feelings and needs."
Burned to ash.
Appropriate metaphor for a relationship consumed by miscommunication and wounded pride.
"We weren't as mature then as we are now," Calder adds with self-awareness that suggests significant personal growth."But I needed to explore different options before committing completely. Needed to know whether Omega connection was a genuine possibility or just a theoretical fantasy I'd built up."
Theoretical versus actual.
Exploring possibilities before declaring them impossible.
Rational approach that feels cruel in the context of Aidric's vulnerability.
We share an extended look—communication happening beneath words, understanding forming through attention rather than explicit statement.
His voice drops to a whisper, confession emerging with weight that suggests he's been carrying this privately:
