Page 59 of Serpentine Valentine
I stared at her steadily, unwilling to confirm it absolutely.
The truth was, even though that chasm in my chest where my heart used to be yearned to trust her, I couldn’t bring myself to take the risk. I might not be seducing her solely to get back at Mina Pallas anymore, but admitting the full extent of my trauma was too much for me to confessto anyone.
Even myself.
“How can you stand it?” Luna asked after a moment, huffing out a breath that stirred a loose lock of red-gold hair from her pale cheek.
“What exactly?” There were too many burdens to bear from that single act. If she wanted honesty, she would have to be specific.
“How do you deal with people staring at you the way they do?”
“How do they stare at me?”
“Like they’re hungry, and you’re on the menu.” For the first time since I’d known her, Luna’s tone was filled with bitterness. “Like you’re beneath them for what was done to you against your will, and they either want a taste of the leftovers or to throw you in the garbage.”
It rocked me that she could see all of that so clearly. She was obviously more than just a jock. The way she could meet me quote for quote, spar with me, and do well in her honors classes. But this particular comment spoke to a deeper understanding. To an uncanny ability to see through the levels of bullshit to the outline of my real shape.
And that scared me as much as it intrigued me.
“I learned a long time ago to focus on how I look at other people instead of how they look at me. I have total control over one and none over the other. If I spent my life worrying about how people viewed me, I don’t think I could ever love myself.”
“Do you? Love yourself that is?” she asked, and I had the impression that she struggled with self-love too.
“Sometimes,” I admitted, not adding that those occasions mostly played out when I was exacting vengeance on predatory men like Professor Morgan. That all my own shame and pain evaporated in the righteous flames of my fury as I made them pay only a sliver of the price they’d stolen from their victims.
Victims like me.
“Same,” she confessed, fishing under the dissolving bubbles to findmy foot and hug it between her palms. I liked that she seemed to need the contact, but I couldn’t admit I needed it too. “You help, though.”
“I do?” Now, that was shocking.
“I’ve never felt exactly…right in my skin. Like it was an ill-fitting coat or something. It got worse here at Acheron. Everyone seemed to buy into the same version of me before I even realized I was taking part in the illusion. I suppose I’ve never really taken the time to be deliberate about my life and who I am. Even before we spoke, when I first heard about what happened to you, how my mom could be so cruel about it…it started to change me. I began to think about myself for myself and about other things, like what happened to you, through my own scope instead of someone else’s lens.” She sighed, tipping her head back against the rim of the tub as she sank deeper into the water. “It’s not a comfortable feeling to reevaluate everything you know, but I know it’s good, you know? Progress. Like tears in a muscle making me stronger.”
I think you’re wonderful, I thought, the words rising tidal strong to the forefront of my brain. I wanted to hold her face too tight and tell her exactly that. Tell her I thought she was made of magic and moonshine as bright as her namesake. That I’d take her cool silver self over the golden one everyone made her out to be any day of the week and count myself the luckiest girl in the fucking world.
But I didn’t.
I couldn’t.
The words stopped up in my throat and clogged my airway so I could barely breathe.
I don’t think I’m capable of love, but also, I might be falling for you.
I squeezed my eyes shut to stop the surge of affection and wildly decided to replace it with an easier sensation.
Lust.
“Get out,” I snapped, at the end of my tether.
Luna blinked at me as I stood abruptly, water and bubbles sluicing off my curves. Her cheeks flushed, eyes darkening.
“What?” she croaked.
“Out.”
Without waiting for her, I stepped out of the tub and grabbed a towel, tossing another one on the stool beside the tub for Luna.
The air in my bedroom was cool against my overheated skin, and it helped to calm me down from the fever of angst and longing storming my blood. I went to the bed and tugged the covers to the end for something to do. By the time I was done, Luna had appeared in the steamy mouth of the bathroom, staring at me uncertainly wrapped in a towel with her wet hair dripping down all over her shoulders.
