Page 96 of Serpentine Valentine
Still, the knowledge that Lex had been hurt because of me, even indirectly, hurt almost as much as my physical wounds. Knowing that people were so ready to believe the worst of Lex because being raped had irreparably tarnished her reputation also made me reconsider the hardstance I’d taken about her vengeful activities. Mostly, because I felt the violent urge to go out and hit every single person who’d ever spoken badly about her.
I was thinking about this as I sat huddled on the bleachers in my quilted parka, mouth tucked behind the high neck and the cashmere scarf bundled up around my throat. It was calming to watch my teammates run drills and now, stretch together in a tight little clutch. Flora and Haley both kept casting me little looks, but I couldn’t read why, and I didn’t really care.
I’d numbed my heart to help along its recovery after Lex.
Both the pain and the brief flares of hope were too much for me to bear.
Because a little part of me couldn’t help wondering if Lex loved me back despite her prior intentions. If she was just scared to make herself vulnerable, to me or anyone, after what had been taken from her. If I shouldn’t have just a little more empathy and grace, a tiny bit of patience.
Maybe she’d come back.
Maybe she’d fight for me like she fought for so many women before me.
Every day that ticked by without her wore away my resolve and sank me further into despair.
The first person––woman––I’d fallen in love with heart and soul, and I’d only been her pawn.
“Luna?”
I looked up from my thousand-yard stare to see Haley fidgeting with her hockey stick, rocking it back and forth between her hands. Her cheeks were flushed from exertion, and she looked pretty standing there in her little blue skirt with her trim thighs on display, pinked by the cold air.
She caught me looking, and the stain on her cheeks darkened.
I found myself cocking my head, a gesture reminiscent of Lex. “Hey, Hales, what’s up?”
“I know I already told you this, but I’m sorry for what happened to you,” she said, the words moving so quickly through her mouth they jumbled together. “I’m sorry I haven’t been a better friend. That…well, that I didn’t take care of you better at Flo’s party, and that I just kind of abandoned you when I found out you were with Lex Gorgon.”
I hadn’t thought she’d abandoned me, but maybe that was because I had been so focused on Lex and the new, extraordinary feelings she stirred in me.
“I was tied up with my own stuff,” I assured her with a soft smile. Haley had always been soft and kind, sweet cheeked and younger looking than her age. Being mean to her was like kicking a puppy. “Please don’t worry about it. You’ve always been a good friend.”
“I could have been better,” she insisted, stomping her cleated foot a little so the metal bleachers echoed. “I, uh, I know a little of what you were going through, and I wasn’t there for you. It makes me feel like an ass.”
“What do you mean?”
She sighed, sucking on the end of her ponytail, a nervous habit. “I mean, I’m bi, too. Or I don’t know how you identify, really. But I’m bi. And I’ve known since I was a kid, and I had a crush on Demi LovatoandDylan and Cole Sprouse.”
“Oh,” I said because, for a second, I was shocked. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
She shrugged. “I don’t know. I don’t really tell people, I guess? And then, you were suddenly gay or bi or in a relationship with a woman and not just a woman butLex Gorgon. And you were just so easy with it, you know? You stood up for yourself, and you were brave and bold and happy with Lex even though people gave you shit.” She shrugged again, a littlehelplessly. “I guess I was a little jealous.”
“Lex is beautiful,” I allowed with a teasing grin because I could tell these words had cost her.
She laughed, a little yip of surprise. “Yeah, well, you’d have to be blind not to know that, but that’s not really it. I think I just thought it was cool and wild you could adjust so quickly. It made me feel a little inferior like I should be doing more as a bi woman. Like not telling people meant I was a bad bisexual.”
I sighed, and it felt good to release some of the ugly tension in my chest. The bench was cold as I patted the metal beside me, and I waited until she took a seat before I said, “I’m pretty sure there is no wrong way to be a bisexual woman, Hales. You have to do what makes you comfortable and what makes you happy. You don’t owe anyone anything you don’t want to share. But I know how you felt because I felt the same way about Lex. Looking at her, so fearless and herself no matter that people hated her and reviled her? It was intoxicating. I guess I just channeled a little bit of her bravery and got addicted to the feeling.”
“Yeah, I can see that.” She nodded slowly, then knocked her knees into mine. “Maybe I can borrow some of that bravery.”
“Anytime,” I promised. “I’m no Lex, but I learned a lot about myself from her.”
“Can I ask why you broke up?”
I bit my lip and ignored the cramp turning my stomach into knots. The sun was rising higher in the sky now, warm fingers of light trickling down my face. “I was a casualty of war,” I said finally with a grim smile. “Sometimes I think the war was worth my sacrifice, but mostly, I just felt used.”
Haley reached out to squeeze my knee. “I’m sorry, Lunatic. For what it’s worth, the only time I ever saw that woman smile was when she looked at you and thought you weren’t watching.”
Warmth moved through my chest, flooding my lungs so I couldn’t breathe for a moment.
