Page 105 of The Moon & His Tides
“These kinds of situations.”
Like being gay or bi or pan was situational and not natural, fundamental.
Unchangeable.
By the time I met Savannah, I’d spent a good few years burying my sexuality in a long line of women.
Because I was so fucking afraid.
It felt inevitable that I would lose those I cared about: my mum, Greg, Bryce.
And that the odds increased exponentially if I loved them, and it was in their nature to love me too.
So the night I’d read Sebastian’s screenplay, I’d been fucking terrified.
Because my wife was already entranced by him, and it was bloody impossible to say no to her.
But more, because for the first time since Bryce, I wanted to know a man beneath his muscle and bone. I was captivated by the makings of him and not his packaging.
Then, the moment I saw him stand on that Finborough stage, I’d felt blood-curdling terror.
Because he was brilliant.
Brilliant enough to chase those knife-wielding shadows away and lull me into a false sense of security.
They say getting old makes you wiser.
But that clearly wasn’t the case.
I’d really thought I could do it.
Have my cake and eat it, too.
Be straight seeming but have my male lover on the side.
What a bloody fool.
I knew it the second the first football fan stopped us on our way out of the stadium to shout, “Faggot.”
I wasn’t even standing beside Sebastian.
Savannah was under my arm as we walked together toward the car, and Sebastian was following not too close behind.
But I knew with gut-clenching certainty.
Something had happened.
“Hey!” the bloke yelled again, red-faced with drink as he slapped his chum on the shoulder and pointed at me. “That’s the actor snogging the bloke on the beach.”
My blood ran cold. In fact, it felt as if it froze in my veins.
“Adam,” Savannah said, quiet but urgent, ushering me now by the arm a little faster toward the car. “Come on, darling.”
There was static in my ears like the radio cranked too loud through a tunnel pass. I couldn’t hear beyond it even though I recognized Savvy was still talking to me as we reached the Rolls.
Sebastian appeared in my vision, and I flinched away from the sight of him.
Faggot!
