Page 44 of For a Goode Time Call…
“Good advice.”
“Thought so myself. Still do, but…what happened was a different story.” He sighed. “No way to tell this without getting a little graphic.”
“Doesn’t bother me, Ink. Just the story.”
“It was a few days after we talked about being ready to go all the way. Big deal for me, obviously not so much for her, but she said it was because she’d never been anyone’s first before.”
“I imagine being someone’s first would be a pretty big deal.”
“She seemed to think so.” A pause, thoughts and memories obvious in his eyes.
“Tell me, Ink.”
“We were at my place—a little loft over the shop—office space now, but it was where I lived then, before I built the tiny home out back. I started things, you know. Kissing and stuff. She knew what it was, and things just sort of progressed pretty normally. Remember, up until then, it’d just been hands and mouths between us. Exploration, experimentation. Kid stuff, to her, but all new to me.” Thoughts, silences. “Worth pointing out, too, that I’ve always been way, way bigger than everyone else. Stronger. Even in football, I held back, except during games, and even in games I’d hold back. Scared of letting myself go, totally. Scared of hurting people.”
I touched his cheek. “You’re a gentle person, Ink. Just who you are.”
“So holding back has been the defining feature of my life. Hold back physically, don’t take up so much space. Don’t be loud—don’t draw any more attention to myself than my size and appearance already do. Getting bullied and made fun of and shunned like I was my whole life like I was will do that you. Teach you to be smaller, quieter. Less.”
My heart cracked for him. “Oh god, Ink. That’s totally wrong. You should beyou, all the way. Be asmoreas you can be, and fuck whatever anyone else thinks.”
“That ain’t so easy when you’re a kid.”
I sighed. “No, indeed.”
“So. Me, used to holding back. Her, telling me not to. Me, wanting to believe her. Wanting to be able to, just once, let go, even a little bit.”
I felt the shape of what was coming, and it hurt to think of.
“She was into it. I was doin’ everything she’d taught me to make her feel good. It was gettin’…rowdy. Not sure how else to put it. Aggressive. Not mean, not violent. Just…rowdy.”
I grinned against his chest. “I know what you mean.” I felt my cheeks heat. “That’s how I like it best.”
He growled. “Shit, shit, shit.” A long hard tense fraught pause. “God, okay. So.”
“What happened, Ink?”
“I lost control.”
“That’s what she wanted.”
“Yeah.” His voice was low, vibrating on nearly inaudible frequency. “She’d told me to let go, to not hold back. So that’s what I did. I let go. I just…let go. Threw control and caution to the four winds.”
“Good for you.”
“No, it wasn’t.” He sounded…angry. “I was…with her. Holding her. Um…you know, on her hands and knees, facing away from me.”
“Doggy style.”
“Yeah.” Pause. “Just…rough. Not trying to hurt her. She was makin’ sounds like she liked it. Wasn’t telling me to stop, wasn’t…nothing. But then she pulled away, like scrambled away. I thought at first she was going for a different position. So I grabbed her. Picked her up, flipped her to her back. Before, she’d kinda liked it when I tossed her around a little. She had curves on her, so she liked feeling light, I guess.” Another pause filled with harsh breath, halting, pained words falling out. “Took her like that, thinking it was what she wanted. Or, truthfully, not really thinking. Just feeling. Just…taking. She was…crying. Sobbing. Slapped me. Kicked me, hard. Scrambled to her knees, off the bed.”
“Oh god.”
“I’d really, really hurt her. Too rough. Too much.”
“She never said anything? Never told you it hurt, never sounded like she was in pain?”
He shook his head. It may have been a trick of the moonlight, but it seemed like there were tears on his cheeks. “She was limping. Crying. She didn’t say a word to me. Just dressed, wouldn’t let me near her. Left. Never came back. Left all of her stuff—clothes, money, books. Everything but her purse and camera bag. Left. Never saw her again. Found a PO Box in her name, a few weeks later, and sent her stuff to her.”
