Page 107 of Into The Light
"Absolutely. Of course. Whatever you need. You know that." His lips brush my forehead. "Anything."
I let out a sigh. "We have some things I want to talk about, but not right now. I'm all talked out."
He frowns. "Okay."
I smooth the frown lines on his forehead. "Good things, honey. I promise."
"Oh," he breathes. "I'd understand if you need space or something."
"No!" I cry, squeezing his middle as hard as I can—hard enough that he grunts in surprise. "The opposite."
"Oh. Right. I just….I don't want to crowd you or…or get in the way if you need something to heal that I can't give." His voice is low, rumbly, deep, hesitant.
Emotions bubble up in me again, and I laugh through a half-sob. "God, Bear, stop. No. You're giving me everything I need." I rub his chest. "In fact, I…I actually sort of feel like I'm not giving you enough. That's what I want to talk about."
He touches my lips. "Don't. You're a gift, Noelle. Everything about you is a precious, priceless gift."
"But we haven't—" I search his face, his eyes. "I've made you wait so long, and—"
He silences me with a kiss, soft and chaste, but effective. "Stop, Noelle. Don't even think about that. I don't need that."
"But don't you want—"
"OfcourseI do." He cups my face. "More than I know how to say. But not until it’s right. If you’re not ready, then I don’t want it. If you can’t do anything at all for—whatever. Days, weeks, months. Years even, I don’t fucking care.You’reall that matters. Having you in my life. If you want to just kiss and nothing else, okay. If you want to do what we were doing before what happened, okay. If you need to back off and I just hold you, that’s okay too. I’m not impatient. I won’t be upset. I won’t be anything except here for you, for whatever you need and whatever you want."
"But you're a man, Bear. You have needs."
He just laughs. "I spent ten years in prison, surrounded by a few thousand other men. I can wait as long as you need. So don't even think about me, Noelle. All I care about—theonlything I give one single solitary fuck about is you. Your happiness. That's it."
Tears bubble out, and I sniffle a laugh around them. "I'm so sick of crying."
"So let's watch something funny," he suggests. “You pick."
I sigh, caressing his cheek. "You're the most amazing man I've ever known, Bear. Truly. I’m so, so thankful for you."
He just shakes his head. "I'mthankful foryou. You changed my life. Believed in me. Your strength, your resilience, your wisdom. You amaze me. I could spend the rest of my life trying and never feel fully worthy of the woman that you are."
This only makes me cry harder. “God, Bear, stop making me cry, dammit!" I laugh, wiping at my face. “You are worthy. More than worthy.” I cover his mouth with my hand, silencing whatever he was about to say. “How about you put in a bag of popcorn while I find us a movie? I can’t deal with anything else heavy right now. I need you to hold me while we watch something dumb and funny and not think about anything."
"Sounds pretty perfect to me," he says. "Be right back."
We spend the rest of the day watching comedies, stuffing ourselves with junk food, and snuggling.
In the back of my mind, though, I'm working on the things I talked to Britt about. My past, my beliefs and hangups about sex…and what I want.
How to get there from here.
One step at a time. One day at a time.
The next day, my parents come over—at my invitation. We spend a couple of hours talking, and I reassure them that I'm okay, that I've spoken with a therapist and plan to continue to do so. Satisfied that I’m actually okay, they head home.
Nat and Nik show up the following day with a bottle of tequila and a copy ofPractical Magic, a favorite movie of ours and one of the few points we have in common. Poor Bear is once again evicted, although this time I encourage him to spend it away from the house entirely—he hasn't left since that day.
Reluctantly, he does—he calls Riley, who shows up with Felix, Darius, Eddie, and Miguel, and they drag him away for some football game or something equally macho.
I let my sisters ply me with tequila while we watched the movie, get Mexican food delivered, and act ridiculous. They do not once bring up what happened, and it's exactly what I need.
I hug them after the movie—and a bonus feature of some made-for streaming rom-com Nikki chose. They leave, and I feel closer to them than I ever have; they knew exactly what I needed, which does leave me with questions that I decide to ask them at some point. I have an inkling of why, but they were a good bit older than me when whatever happened to them happened; I wasn’t informed of it, and they refused to talk about it.
