Page 48 of Into The Light
Not ever.
I wasn't even attracted to him.
It's only now that I know what true desire, true attraction feels like—with Bear—that I can finally understand it. Brennan just didn’t do it for me. I wasn’t excited by him. I was eager to explore my body, to explore sexuality, and I would have pushed the boundaries with him had he given me even ahintthat he wanted to. But he didn’t. He was the one who always pulled us back when we started to get carried away.
So…when did he start sleeping with other women? Did he think I didn't want him? Was it me? Or was the whole thing with me fake?
Now I kind of want answers.
I push those thoughts away and remove the shower cap, pull my hair out of the braid it’s been in since yesterday morning, spray leave-in conditioner into it, work it through my hair, and brush it till the kinks become waves. Deodorant. A touch of makeup. Lotion on my arms and legs.
Now…what to wear?
I pull on a thong—I own several, purchased after the breakup, but I've never had the courage to wear them. I do so now, and I feel…sexy.
Daring.
Courageous.
Ready.
For what? I don’t know. Just…more. Of Bear.
Lies—I do know. I want him. All of him.
I want him to strip me naked and—
Gosh, stop. Stop!
I can’t go there. Ihaveto get a grip.
I put on the bra that matches the thong—red and lacy, a pushup number that makes my boobs, already pretty darn big, look even bigger. I opt for a denim skirt, the shortest skirt I own. It comes to an inch or two below my butt—my parents will most definitely say something about it. My sisters, too, probably. But who cares? I'm wearing it for Bear.
I want his approval, now—not theirs.
It has a white fringe lining the hem, tickling my bare thighs. I pair it with a white button-down—at first, I leave two buttons open, but then, in a fit of boldness that’s utterly unlike me, I undo a third. Prop the girls up, shove them this way and that until they sit just right. A hint of red lace peeks out; I can already feel Bear's gaze sticking there, lingering like a caress.
I decide on a pair of low brown booties with a chunky heel—they make my legs look even longer, and do good things for my bottom.
I check myself out in the mirror one more time, nodding in approval. Not too bad.
A spritz of perfume, and I'm good to go.
I emerge from my room, suddenly nervous to see Bear's reaction. Which is silly—I’m not even dressing up.
I just want him to think I'm beautiful. I want to be beautiful for him. I’ve always cared about my appearance and always put in effort to look my best, but Bear's attention puts things into high gear.
He looks up as I clomp down the hallway. His brow furrows and his jaw flexes. "Jesus." He stands up, hands tightening into fists at his sides. "Noelle…holy shit."
Butterflies rampage in my belly. "Do I look okay?" Fishing for compliments is not my style, but here I am, fishing.
"You look…" he goes around the couch and stops a foot away from me, reaching for me but pulling his hand back at the last second. "Incredible."
“Really?"
"Not good with words. Wish I could find a better one than that." His eyes rake down my body lingering at my chest, as expected—as planned. "Won't be able to take my eyes off you."
I step into him. "Good. That's the whole idea."
