Page 68 of Into The Light
What am I to make of it?
I decide that it's foolish to try and guess, so I'll just take it as it comes and see what happens. Follow her lead.
The ride across town to her place is quiet, the radio low and tuned to country music. I feel dirty, grimy, and smelly and I'd love a shower, but I'm not about to suggest a change in plans. She doesn’t seem to mind my stink, so whatever.
We pull into her driveway, and I let Panzer out—he trots in circles and then lifts his leg on one of her bushes. She unlocks the side door and lets us all in. Panzer jogs around the house excitedly, sniffing.
"You up for a walk?" she asks. "I get it if you're not—you just spent all day working."
“A walk sounds good."
"Cool. I've got some pork chops marinating."
Panzer accompanies us back outside into the dense, still, humid evening—the sky is leaden and heavy, and I smell rain.
"Probably can't go too far, huh?" Noelle asks, glancing up at the sky.
I shrug. “Just rain."
She threads her fingers in mine, Panzer choosing to walk at her side rather than mine. We walk at a fairly slow pace—this isn't exercise, just an evening stroll in a quiet, peaceful neighborhood. Occasionally, we pass a house where someone's sitting out on their porch; we wave, and get a wave back.
After a mile, a few drops start sprinkling.
Noelle looks up at me. "Turn back?"
I shrug. "Sure. If you want. Gonna get wet either way."
And, as we make the turn that'll take us toward her street, the sprinkle becomes a steady rain and then a downpour. At first, Noelle shrugs her shoulders up around her ears, pulls her hood up, and speeds her pace. When I don't, she looks back at me, confused.
I just shrug. "Already as wet as we can get, Noelle. It’s just a little rain."
She halts, thinking. She then pulls her hood back, turns her face to the sky, and laughs. "There's a freedom in it, isn't there? Just accepting the wet?"
I nod. "Yep. Sure is. Always liked walking in a summer rain."
So we walk hand in hand, soaked to the bone within minutes. Panzer is happy as a clam, splashing in puddles, occasionally taking a quick slurp from the rain running along the curb toward storm drains.
Her hair is plastered to her head and sticking to her cheeks and neck, her clothes molded to her body; her yoga pants were already skin-tight, perpetually drawing my gaze to the luscious sway of her firm, round ass—the rain has pressed her shirt to her chest, however, and the material is thin and light, turning translucent, revealing a black sports bra.
She's so fucking beautiful, it never ceases to amaze me that she wants anything to do with me, that she cares about me, even just as a friend.
I know myself. I know who I am. Among men, I know my place. I'm unbothered by posturing and bravado because I know what I can do. At work, I'm confident in my skills, strength, and work ethic. Among the guys at work, I'm among equals. Even with Riley, my boss, I feel as if we're friendly, even friends, in a boss-employee way.
But around women? Not so much.
I'm not sure what I have to offer, if anything.
I don't know what's going on with Noelle and me other than friendship. I know I enjoy her company, I know I think about her all the damn time. I dream about her and wake up with a hard-on I refuse to touch while thinking of her—she’s worth more than that.
I guess in my mind, she's this perfect, pure creature of light and wonder, and I’m… just me. Big, broody, quiet, with a violent history, no education beyond the GED, a criminal record, and a questionable future.
But she sees something in me. What, I don’t know. I keep hoping that at some point, I'll figure that out and learn how to see it in myself.
I'm comfortable with her, that much is true. More so than with anyone else I've ever known, man or woman.
She looks up at me, expression soft and quizzical. "Penny for your thoughts?"
Rain drums on my head, trickles down my neck. "Ummm.” I opt for the truth. "I was just thinking that I've never been comfortable around most people. Never had a lot of close friends." I squeeze her hand gently. "Never had a friend like you, Noelle. Someone I feel at ease with. Means a lot. A whole lot."
