Page 106 of Light in the Dark
I shrug, shake my head. "I was so far gone I couldn't have said anything. And I don't think I realized it wasn't Amy. I don’t really remember it, to be honest, just a vague memory of being drunk and some girl with dark hair on top of me."
"Fee," she whispers.
"I guess Nyx and a couple others got me home. No clue. I woke up late the next day, and—"
"Your parents were fine with this?" she cuts in.
"Well, Mom was long gone by then, and Dad was an alcoholic and a workaholic. So no, no one gave a shit what we did."
"God, Fee."
I rub sweaty palms on my jeans. "The first thing I did was call Amy to make sure she got home okay. She wouldn't answer my calls or my texts, or return my voicemails."
"No. She blamed you?"
"I showed up at her house, and her dad ran me off with a shotgun." I close my eyes, the pain of memory sharp and acidic. “I called her friends and they wouldn't answer. I followed her to work the next day and she called the cops, saying I was harassing her."
"Jesus. What? For real?"
I nod. "Yup. I called her a hundred times a day. Sent her fuckin'thousandsof text messages. Wrote her fuckin' letters and put 'em in her mailbox. Left notes on her car. Everything I could think of. I even did that fuckin' John Cusack thing with the radio outside her house. Her dad nearly shot my ass." I shrug and then slap my thighs. "I kept at it. Everything I could think of to get her to just…fuckin' listen to me. Hear me out."
"She wouldn't? She just…cut you off totally?"
I nod. "And then one day, Cole told me she'd left. Transferred from the community college here to a nursing program down in Metro Detroit. I never saw her again."
Ember sits in silence. "Holy shit. What a bitch! Even if you had intentionally hooked up with someone else, you'd think if you loved someone, you'd at least give them five fucking seconds to say their side." She tilts her head to the side. "Wait. You said you had a scholarship for Michigan. But after graduation, you were still up here?"
"Amy wanted to stay up here together. We had a whole plan. She was gonna get her nursing degree and I'd work for Dad, and we'd get married, buy a house, have kids, and live happily ever after." I sigh. “I’d already passed on the scholarship by then.”
"You gave up U of M for her?"
“Yup. Full ride."
"And then she ghosted you and moved away after convincing you to give up a full ride to a Big Ten school."
"Correct."
"Because you got sexually assaulted and she just assumed it was your fault."
"Pretty much."
She looks at me with sorrow and compassion. "Fee, that's awful."
"I've lived with that guilt ever since. I just—"
She rocks forward, slicing the air with both hands. "Wait, wait, wait—guilt? What guilt? You were the fucking victim!"
"Not how I saw it. Not how she made me feel. I never talked to anyone about it—I wouldn’t…couldn’t. Everyone else was just as hammered as I was, so it's not like too many people had a clear memory of it anyway. I dunno. I just…I should've done something. Said no. Stopped her. I'm stronger than her. I could have." I close my eyes. "I shouldn't have been so drunk. I should've…I dunno. But it never once occurred to me that I was a victim. That I was…" I shake my head. "I can't even say it, even now. Fucked up, sure, but I felt like I'd ruined everything by letting that happen."
She shakes her head, looking away thoughtfully. "You never dated anyone else, did you?"
I shake my head. "No." A shrug. "Tried a few times, but…no. I never felt like...like I deserved to. No one gets it. Cole, Rye, Nyx, they all feel like I should just be over it—it was so long ago and it was not my fault, but…I just can't convince my heart to believe it. Maybe it's…I dunno. The way she treated me, like I’d murdered her dog in front of her or something. Giving up that scholarship—my dream of getting out of Three Rivers and doing something big with my life. Plus all the shit with my fucking parents."
"We gotta get back to your parents," she says, “You touched on it in the hospital, but I need more. For now, though, explain the accident, now that I have the sordid backstory."
"I went out with the boys. I was…missing you. Not in a good place. And I got a little sloppy. Brian—one of Cole's rookies—drove us home. I passed out in bed, and he took Cole home. I woke up thirsty—you know that feeling, I'm sure."
She nods, feigning retching. "Ugh, yes. I don't get drunk anymore. Not worth it. Cannabis is clearly superior for just that reason."
