Page 107 of Light in the Dark
"Not gonna hear any arguments from me on that score, especially after this." I rub my face. "Well, when I woke up to get a drink, there was a woman in my room with me. She handed me water and helped me drink, gave me Tylenol."
She shakes her head, waving her hands. "Whoa, hold the fuck up.What? She was justinyour house? In yourroom?”
"I thought I was hallucinating. I haven’t seen her, spoken to her, messaged her, nothing since that party. And then I wake up hammered and she's sitting on my bed. Acting…sweet. Putting her hand on mine, touching my leg. Telling me she drove four hours after leaving her husband so she could come see me."
"But she just walked into your house like that? Whodoesthat?"
"Well, according to her, she drove by not planning on stopping, just to see where my house was so she could come back later, but my front door was wide open. And that does make sense—I don’t usually go in that door, and Brian walked me inside and then had to get Cole home, so it does make sense that he'd leave assuming I'd close my door. But, again, I was hammered. So she came in to make sure nothing bad had happened."
Ember frowns. "That makes sense, unfortunately."
I chuckle. "Why, unfortunately?"
“Because I want to hate her and that's perfectly logical." She pinches the bridge of her nose. "So, when I walked in, what I saw was a gorgeous woman leaning over you in your bed with her hand on your dick. But that's…not what happened, is it?"
"No. I moved her hand and told her no before you walked in."
She closes her eyes, wincing as if in pain. "And I ran away without letting you explain. Just like her."
"The, um, parallel did not escape me, no."
"And then I go and almost get myself killed." Her face screws up with intense, conflicted emotion—anger, regret, guilt. "I shouldn't have been driving. I knew it. I was too upset. Crying too hard. And you were calling me and part of me wanted to answer and hear you out but I was scared of what you'd say, because I…" she trails off, shaking her head.
"You what, Em?" I shift closer to her.
She doesn't seem to hear me. "I remember looking down at the seat, at my phone. Looking up. And there was a raccoon in the road. I braked and swerved, even though I knew better. I fuckingknowbetter, but I hit the brakes and jerked the wheel like afuckingmoron." She shoves her crutches away and they hit the ground with a clatter. “And now look."
“Hey, easy." The most I've touched her since the accident is holding her hand—aside from whatever was necessary to help her, that is, but that's clinical contact; now I tentatively put my arm across her shoulders. "It's okay."
"It's not!" She shakes her head savagely, scrubbing angrily at her eyes. "Nothing is okay. I'm not—you're not. We aren't."
"Honestly, Ember, I don't know what we are."
"Me either." She looks at me with reddened eyes. "It feels weird, now, though, doesn't it? Sort of…I dunno…friend-zoned, kind of."
I nod. "I know what you mean, and yeah."
"That's not what I want," she says.
"Me either."
She turns toward me, cast nudging my ankle. "When I left California…" Her voice trembles, but she shakes it off. "I wasn't sure what I wanted. I still…I'm not, like,overDutchie. But I talked to Faye alotand…I promised him."
"Promised him what?" I ask.
"That I'd move on. Find someone else. He made me swear on our wedding bands. But I…I miss him. It feels wrong to enjoy life, to…to fall in love, to enjoy sex with someone new. It feels like I'm betraying him. I know he's gone. I know I have my whole life ahead of me, but…like you said earlier, try convincing my heart of that."
"I understand," I say. "I mean, sort of. I understand feeling something that you know you shouldn't."
She rests her hand on my knee. "By the time I made it here to your house, I was all in, Fee." She tips her head back, sniffing. "I was coming to tell you that I…I wanted to be with you. I wanted to try. And then I saw you and her, and…"
"Worst-case scenario," I say.
She nods. "Exactly. But I should have slowed down and listened. I'm sorry." A thoughtful pause. "What I don't get is why she thought she could waltz back into your life like nothing happened."
"I mean…she did apologize," I say. "I just…I dunno."
Ember frowns at me. "What? Say it, Felix."
