Page 108 of Light in the Dark
"If it wasn't for you being in my life, I would have taken her back. But it wouldn't have lasted."
A brief silence. "No?" she asks, her voice soft. "Why not?"
"Because I don't know her anymore, and she doesn't know me. I'm not the same person I was at nineteen, and neither is she. She’s had a whole life—college, a career, a husband, kids, friends, all of it. She's looking at me and seeing nineteen-year-old Felix in a thirty-two-year-old body. But I'm not him anymore. I've had my own life. We…" I shake my head, sighing. "No, forget that part."
Ember touches my hand, looking at me with curiosity. "Don't do that, Fee. Don't hold anything back."
I eye her and then shrug. "Fine. I was gonna say that we would have gotten together, and it probably would have been pretty great at first. She's been neglected, I think. Her husband cheats on her. So she's probably starved for attention. It'd have been hot at first. Reconnecting with an old flame, thinking we're making up for lost time or healing old wounds, that kind of thing."
I don't miss the hurt in her eyes, the hardening of her expression.
"But…" I say, emphasizing the word to get her attention.
"But what?"
"What do we have in common aside from the past? Not a goddamn thing. She's rich. She's used to a certain lifestyle. I don't know dick about purses but I'm pretty sure the one she's carrying is pretty expensive."
Ember cackles. "Try abhorrently expensive, Fee. That was a Birkin."
I shrug. "Means nothing to me."
"Twenty grand, give or take a few thousand. And even if you have the money, they're exclusive and nearly impossible to get. Like, you have to be on a list."
I snort and roll my eyes. "That's more than my truck is worth." I wave a hand. "But that's exactly my point. Look, there's nothing wrong with having money and spending it on things you find valuable. But that just doesn't fit with who I am. I don't know…I guess I just…the more I think about it, the more I realize if I was to get back together with Amy, we'd very quickly realize that our shared history isn't enough to overcome everything else. How she left me, the effect that her leaving and the way she left had on me and on my life, the decade and some years of living two totally different lives. And no amount of sex, no matter how good it may have been, can cover over all that."
Ember nods. "That makes sense."
"There's one other issue I keep coming up against when it comes to Amy."
She looks at me again, curious but cautious. "Hmmm." It's not quite an interrogatory sound, more of an "I'm listening but I'm skeptical" verbal expression.
"She's not you."
This gets her attention, eliciting a small, hopeful smile. "Go on."
I guess I'd thought that would be enough, but it seems she needs elaboration.
"When she was here, apologizing, touching me like she had every right to, acting interested, telling me she fantasized about me during sex with her cheating asshole husband…I felt nothing for her. Zero. If I felt anything, it was…pain. Guilt. Regret. Bitterness. Anger." I hesitate, and then go for broke. "And yeah, listen, she's aged well. She is, objectively speaking, a very beautiful woman. She's taken great care of herself."
"Great," Ember whispers. "Your ex is tall, skinny, has big tits and a great ass, she's rich, single, and probably does hot yoga and runs marathons."
"How do you know she has big tits and a great ass, Ember?"
"I don't. I'm assuming."
"You may be right. I didn't look all that closely, if I'm being honest."
Again, this statement brings her attention back to me rather than the rug beneath her feet. "No?"
"I told you—I felt nothing. Because she's not you. I saw her again at the hospital—"
She frowns, cutting me off. "Wait, she came to the hospital?"
I nod. "I think she feels partially responsible for what happened. She said she was sorry. I just…I didn't really give her the time of day, to be honest. I didn't know how to feel about her, how to—where to put her in my mind or my heart or whatever. So I more or less ignored her."
"Fee, I…I'm worried you're not thinking clearly about her," Ember says, her voice small, her eyes on the rug again. "About the situation. What if sheiswho you're meant to be with? What if…what if you can bridge the divide of the years and everything that happened and have the happily ever after you should have had?"
"Just one problem, Ember."
