Page 113 of Light in the Dark
"Felix, do you resent me?" The question pops out before I even realize I was thinking it.
His frown is one of utter perplexity. "What? Resent you? Why the fuck would I resent you?"
"Or…feel taken advantage of is maybe a better way to put it."
He squeezes my knee, smiling at me reassuringly. "No, Ember. I do not resent you or feel taken advantage of. Why do you ask?"
"I…" I have no idea how to answer that.
He searches my face as we sit at a light. "Is this about…us?"
It's the closest we've come to addressing the status of our relationship since I came home from the hospital.
I nod. "Yeah."
He shifts into first and then second. "I don’t expect anything. My feelings haven’t changed—if anything, they've grown. But until and unless you're ready, I'll keep my distance. Keep the status quo. Ball’s in your court, sweetheart.”
"But you've done so much for me," I protest. "Too much."
He doesn't answer for a bit, thinking. "Do you think if it was Riley, or Cole, or Nyx that was in your situation, I'd do anything different?"
That stings. "I…I guess not." I duck my head.
“You've become one of my best friends. I'd do anything for you, Ember."
"So…friends, then." I know how petulant I sound, and how stupid it is since I chose this.
He shifts gears, then adjusts the dirty, battered ball cap on his head. "You asked me to wait for you, Em. I am and I will. But I…I have to put you somewhere…In my head, or my heart, or whatever. I have very strong feelings for you and I'm doing my fucking best to keep that shit to myself and just be your friend, because I can't live in a quasi-not-really-but-sort-of state with you. Maybe I'm just not strong enough. I don't know." He glances at me, and his gaze is a little distant. "I don’t resent you. I don't feel taken advantage of. Everything I've done for you, I've done because I luh—" his teeth click together. "I care about you as a human being, and as my friend. If there's ever gonna be anything else, it's gonna happen on your time, in your way. You know how I feel, and I'm not gonna push that on you when you made it very clear you're not ready."
"Fee," I whisper.
He shakes his head, tugging the curved brim of his ball cap lower. "Don’t do that."
"Do what?"
"That sad, hurt whisper. The way you say my name when you don't know what to say." He pulls into the parking lot of The Alt and into the handicapped spot nearest the door, leaving it in gear, idling. "I'll wait as long as you need. But you can't ask me for emotional vulnerability too. It's too hard. Too complicated. So yeah. Friends. And no, throwing sex into the mix is not the answer. That would just confuse me more, because I can't—I wouldn't be able to separate my feelings from the sex."
I nod, hoping my stupid, irrational, selfish hurt doesn’t show. "I understand." I push open the door and slide to the ground, landing easily and without pain or wobbly balance.
He tips his head back, groaning. "Em, wait."
I look at him—he's grown his beard out and it suits him. His hair is longer and shaggier than ever, almost long enough that he could pull it back. The beard, though. Hot, rugged, manly…woof. I bet it would scratch and tickle when he went down on me—
I squash that thought. Or at least bank it for later.
I wait for his reply, and it's a long moment coming.
His glacier-blue eyes are piercing and intense. "I'm just trying to give you what you asked for."
"I know," I whisper. "Haven't you ever gotten what you wanted, only to realize it's not what you thought it'd be?"
He sighs, scraping the hat off to scratch at his scalp before settling the hat back on one-handed. "If you want things to be different, Ember, they can. In a heartbeat. Right the fuck now." He grips the shifter, his gaze intense. "Just…be sure. Okay? I'm hanging on by a thread, and I couldn't go back if we—if you…I just couldn't go back."
"Felix, I…"
His phone rings. "I gotta go. Call if you need anything."
"Okay. I'll see you later, Fee." I step back, but don't close the door yet.
