Page 117 of Light in the Dark
"Commitment-phobic?" Raina asks.
Layla shrugs, shaking her head. "Not commitment-phobic so much as once bitten, twice shy. That's her story to tell, though, not mine."
"I think we've all been there," Raina says, her gaze distant as if remembering something unpleasant.
Noelle ignores this side conversation, focusing on me. "Hey," she says, nudging me with her elbow, her expression warm and understanding and compassionate. "I get it. I mean, my husband didn't die, he just treated me like garbage and cheated on me a bunch. But I get what it's like to be scared to let yourself fall in love again."
"It's not just that," I whisper. "It's everything. Being with Felix represents a whole new way of living for me. I've been a nomad my whole life. I've literallyneverlived in a house this long in my life. Every day and more so as time goes on I have to fight the urge to just fucking leave. I really do care about him. I have very real feelings for him. But I just…I don't know if I'm cut out for the whole…stationary, domestic thing." I shake my head, sighing. "But I gotta ask, what do you mean, sex may be the best way forward if my feelings are real?"
Noelle laughs. "Well, I mean…" she glances at the sky, sighs, and starts over. "Sex is complicated, right? I mean, it seems simple, but it's not. Like, on the surface, it's part A goes into slot B, right? And if you're hooking up with someone casually, I can see how it would seem pretty simple. I wouldn't know, as I've never had casual sex. But…in a long-term relationship, sex changes. It's not static. It's not like…spicy and intense all the time. Sometimes it's more of an emotional connection than a physical release, if that makes any sense."
I nod. "It does. That's what it was for Dutchie and me—it was for more of an emotional connection than a physical one." I cover my face. "That's part of my hangup. I've been avoiding this topic because of how tricky it is."
Noelle frowns. "Can you elaborate? You don't have to, but I guess I don't really understand what you mean."
I shoot to my feet. "Yeah, but I need to walk. Wanna walk and talk?"
Raina and Layla are deep in a conversation together, and barely notice as we exit the outdoor seating area and stroll along Manitou Boulevard next to the Crooked Trout River, away from Main Street.
"I love this part of town," Noelle says, grinning happily at the sun overhead and taking in the admittedly picturesque area.
The river is narrow but deep, a good eight or ten feet below the street—the water is dark with tannins, flowing rapidly enough to churn white around a few huge boulders at the edges. Willow trees line the opposite bank, their long, dangling fronds twisting and swaying just above the river surface. Here, Manitou Boulevard is actually a boulevard, with two lanes in each direction separated by a median planted with a profusion of colorful flowers and low shrubs.
"It's beautiful," I say. "I only had one sexual partner before Dutchie—my first, and it was…well, not to put too fine a point on it, but it was fucking horrific. I didn't have sex again for years after that, and it took Dutchiemonthsto get me to trust him enough to go there."
Noelle rubs my back. "Girl, you’ve been through some stuff, haven't you?"
I sniff a laugh. "Yeah, I guess so." I shake my head. "Dutchie healed me. He…he gave me the time, space, love, and safety I needed in order to learn how to enjoy sex."
"But?" she prompts.
"But in the…oh god…six months to a year before he got sick, I was…I wasn't content. With him. Sexually." I swallow hard, feeling my eyes burn. "Fuck, this is hard."
"You need a minute?" Noelle asks.
I nod. "Yeah, thanks. I…"
She rubs my back again. "Hey, you're okay. Take your time. I can fill the silence, trust me."
I sniff a laugh. "Go for it."
"My ex-husband Brennan barely looked at me. He wanted to control me. Wanted me to be the good, dutiful, obedient little pastor's wife." She laughs bitterly. "He expected me, sooner than later, to stop working and focus on being his wife, pop out a couple kids for him, and submit to his every whim."
I retch, and it's not exactly faked. "Fuck that noise."
"Right? The sad thing is I went along with it until I found out he was having sex with a bunch of women from the church."
I give her a wide-eyed glance. "No shit?"
"Three of them at once. Well…not at once like a foursome, but three different mistresses while with me he acted like forty-five seconds of missionary in the dark with his T-shirt on was all I should ever need or want."
"Oh. Wow. That's…"
"Hypocrisy upon hypocrisy? Yeah. And he made me feel like a shameless whore if I ever expressed interest in anything more. I left him, and eventually I met Bear."
"Who's the sweetest man I've ever met, by the way," I say. "I admit I was a little scared of him at first, but he's just a giant lovable teddy bear."
She smirks at me. "Oh, he's a teddy bear, all right." She wriggles her eyebrows at me in an expression she probably meant to be suggestive but was really just silly, cute, and funny. "Let's just say he's notalwaysa sweet teddy bear, though."
