Page 122 of Light in the Dark
"Hey, why'd you walk away?" Ember's voice is behind me, and I feel her hand rest on my side.
"Needed a minute."
"Are…are you angry with me?"
I shake my head, gripping the trunk of the silver maple in the middle of the yard; sunlight filters through the fluttering leaves in a drowsy dapple. "Not angry. Frustrated."
“Frustrated like…" She tucks her chin around my bicep to glance down at my groin. "All we did was kiss for, like, two seconds."
"Yeah, well, you affect me. That fuckin' whimper." I shake my head, but this time it's an attempt to get the sound out of my head before my hard-on comes back. "And also frustrated in the other sense."
"I'm sorry," she whispers.
I shrug. "It's fine. I get it." I squeeze the tree trunk to keep the anger and disappointment out of my voice. "I know you asked for space, and I didn't respect that. I'm sorry, Ember. I shouldn't have kissed you."
There's a moment of silence, and it prompts me to look down at her; she's frowning in confusion.
"Felix, no. God, no. That's not—" She ducks under my arm, twisting to face me with her back to the tree. "I shotgunned you. You think that was…what? A tease? Iwantedyou to kiss me."
"Then…" I hold my ground, relishing the closeness of her, the way she's gazing up at me with an open expression, so unlike the shuttered looks I've gotten used to since the accident. "I don’t understand."
She rests her hands on my chest. "I had a long talk with Noelle today at lunch."
"Ohhhhh-kay?"
She curls her fingers into my pectoral muscle. "I'm scared, Fee."
I laugh, shaking my head—it's a sarcastic bark rather than any kind of amusement. "Sorry, babe, but I amnotfollowing."
Ducking her head, Ember snickers a laugh. "I know, I'm sorry—I'm not making any sense, am I? Giving you all sorts of mixed signals."
"I mean…"
She lifts her head to meet my gaze. "Let me start over. When I told you I needed time and space? That was true. I needed time to focus on healing, and space to sort of…figure out my feelings. And you gave me that, Felix. You never pushed the issue, and you went above and beyond taking care of me. Even when you knew there was nothing in it for you, you…" she shakes her head, swallowing audibly. "Here we go again with the waterworks. Jesus. Gah!" She tips her head back, blinking furiously.
I laugh at the ire in her voice. "Hey, it's fine. It's been a lot and it's totally understandable that you'd have strong feelings."
She shakes her head, swiping a finger under her eyelids. "I know, I'm just not normally a big crier. But ever since the accident, it's all just right there on the surface all the damn time, and I'm suddenly crying at the drop of a hat, and I'm usually the one to drop the hat. I'm just sick of it. I'd like to get throughoneconversation without bawling." She sighs as if to fortify herself. "Felix, you…you dideverythingfor me. Gave me a home—my own room, something I've never had. You took my wacky mood swings in stride. You cooked for me. Took me to my appointments. Hung out with me. Introduced me to a seriouslygreatgroup of ladies." She pushes away from the tree to lean into me, hands on my shoulders and chin on my chest, gazing up at me. "I willneverbe able to thank you enough, Felix."
My heart is pounding, and my hands itch to bury in her hair, to slide over her curves, to strip her naked and take her here in the yard, to hold her, to…make her mine.
Instead, I let my hands rest on her waist just above her hips—intimate but not sexual. "You don't need to thank me."
She licks her lips. "You said you only did what you'd do for your friends. But I…am I…am Ijusta friend, at this point?"
"I don't kiss my friends." I let my hands slip a little lower onto her hips. "Or hold them like this."
She grins. "I dunno. Jess may like it."
I frown. "Jess is a friend, yes, but an employee first and foremost. And I talked to her today. I'm promoting her, sort of, to be an assistant and apprentice for my interior designer. Which will mean I'll see a good bit less of her on a day-to-day basis because I do not now and have never returned her feelings for me, which Iamaware of."
"I was teasing."
I shrug. "I know, but I wanted that clear." Fuck it, go for broke. "The only way I could live with you and stay halfway sane the last couple months was to friend-zone you. Think of you as a friend and nothing more. But that doesn’t mean my feelings have gone away. They haven't. I just…"
Her fingers tease up to my shoulders, trace fiery lines down my biceps, slip over to my belly and sear back up to my chest. "Just what?"
I can't look at her as I say this. "Friend-zoning you was the only way to keep my hands off you. It was the only way to…not think of you as an object of desire."
