Page 123 of Light in the Dark
She blinks up at me. "So…you haven't…"
"No."
She shakes her head. "Fee, just so I know we're on the same page, here…you haven't jerked off? At all?"
"If I went there in my mind, at all, you were the only thing I could picture."
She hesitates, gnawing on the corner of her lower lip, which for some reason drives me fucking wild. "I…even if I did know you were thinking about me while doing that, I wouldn't have minded."
I tug her lip free with my thumb. "If you don't quit biting that lip, this conversation is gonna be cut real fuckin' short."
She frowns. "What?"
“You chewin' on your lip. It drives me nuts."
"Like, annoys you?"
"No, babe. Turns me on."
She snickers. "Why? That's weird. It's not sexual at all."
I shrug. "I dunno. It just does." I let out a breath. "It wasn't so much thinking you'd mind as it was for my own sanity. I had to put you in the friend box completely. I'm too fucking attracted to you. I care about you too fucking much to be able to think about you sexually and not do something about it."
"Oh."
"You know how goddamned frustrating it is to know how fucking hot you are naked, to know how it feels to touch you, kiss you, to make you scream my name while you're coming? To hear the shower going on the other side of the wall and know you're wet and naked?"
Her eyes widen. "Wait…on the other side of the wall?"
"Yeah. Your shower shares a wall with my bedroom. Specifically the wall my bed is against."
"Oh…fuck," she breathes. "So…"
My eyes blaze. "Yeah, babe."
Her eyes close, mortification emblazoned on her face. "Every time I masturbated in the shower…"
"Why do you think I started going to my basement to work out while you were in the shower?" I ask. "It wasn't a fuckin' coincidence."
She leaves the shelter of my arms, hands on her face. "Oh…my…god." She whirls to face me, cheeks tomato red. "Fee, I…ohmigod. I amsosorry. I didn’t even think about it."
I roll a shoulder. "I adjusted when I worked out to give you privacy. You weren't doing anything on purpose. It's fine. It was just…a little rough for a few days."
"And…" she approaches me slowly, almost as if I'm a skittish horse. "You've been totally celibate since you and me…."
I nod. "Yes."
She stares at me for a moment or two. "What about blue balls?"
"I've routinely gone months at a time, Ember. I've never really enjoyed jerking off, to be honest. Maybe that's weird, but it just…it doesn't…satisfy the urge, I guess. I'd rather wait until I can have sex. Or, you know, someone else help me out."
"What did you do before you met me?" she asks. "Don't answer if you don't want to."
"Tinder. Even in the winter, we get enough tourists that I could meet up with someone for drinks and…you know…" I grimace, embarrassed. "Casual hookups. But it was only once in a while, when I really needed the relief. But it had been several months before I met you since I'd done that. And that said, I will help myself out if the Tinder pickings are slim. I just…the casual stuff stopped being fun and started feeling like another form of masturbation, I guess. Up till I met you, it just seemed easier emotionally to focus on work, keep busy and just not…think about it."
"But you didn't have a woman you're attracted to living with you, masturbating in the shower." She covers her face. "Fuck me. The more I think about it, the more mortified I am. I'm…not always quiet."
I can't suppress a laugh. "No, you are not." I let arousal flare in my expression. "The only reason it was so difficult to hear was because it was so fucking hot, Ember. Don't be embarrassed.”
