Page 125 of Light in the Dark
"I'm just scared, Felix."
"Of what?"
"Everything. That I'll…I'll somehow end up loving you more than him." She buries her face in my chest. "That I'll forget him. I'm scared that I won't—that I'll never be able to love you fully, the way I did him. I'm scared that if I—if we—whenwe have sex, it'll be…better, and I'll freak out."
"Ember," I whisper into her hair. "Hey. Listen to me, okay? I'm no expert on this stuff. But I really don't think either of the first two scenarios is gonna happen. What we have, or what could have, or will have…it'sours. It's unique. I'm not him—for better and for worse, I'm not him. You had your life with him. You won't forget it, or him. Sure, memories fade with time. I don't always have the clearest memories of my father, but I haven't forgotten him. He's gone, several years now. I miss him. He was a bit of a bastard at times, and not always the best husband or father, but he did love Rye and me, and he did his best. Especially considering that his father was a real piece of shit. But I remember him, good and bad. He was my dad." I cup her face, tilt it up to mine. "You won't forget Dutchie. I don't want you to. I won'tletyou. He's part of you. I'llneverbe jealous of the parts of you he had that I won't. So…you won't love me more than him, because it's not…I dunno, apples to apples. I'm not him. I'm me."
She touches her forehead to my chest and nods. "I like how that sounds."
"As for sex?" I tip her face up. "I don't think comparisons are fair to anyone—you, me, or him. But I think you know that. You said it yourself, sort of—where you are now in terms of your sexuality is because of your relationship with Dutchie. If he hadn't passed away, I think you would have found a way forward with him that satisfied you. But he did pass, and now you have to decide what you want to do." I pause and stare into her silver eyes. "If—ifyou decide you want to pursue things with me, then we'll take things however you're most comfortable. And if you do freak out, that's okay. I promise I'll understand and do whatever you need to get through it, even if that means backing off and giving you more time and space."
"You wouldn't resent me or think I'm being a cock-tease?" she whispers.
"No, Ember, absolutely not. You're not that type of girl. You've been very clear about where you are with your feelings on this stuff, and if you have an issue and need to back off, that's a totally different thing than playing games with me. I've never thought you're playing games."
She lets out a relieved sigh. "Thank you, Felix."
"For what?"
"Being so understanding." She rolls her head back and forth on my chest. "I'm sorry I'm such a mess."
"I'm no expert, but I think that's just called welcome to being a person."
She snickers. "You're not an expert on being a person?"
"Nope. Still figuring it out, and rarely successfully.”
Ember slides her arms up around my neck, trailing her fingers up and down through my hair from the back of my head to my nape. "I can't make any promises about how things will go, Felix, I just know that I want to try."
She searches my face, showing me with her expression the depths and complexity of her emotions: fear, uncertainty, and desire all tangled up in a Gordian knot.
I decide it's time to push her, just a little bit. "Do you trust me?"
She nods without taking her eyes off of mine. "Yeah."
I dip at the knees, scoop my hands under her ass and lift her—she immediately and instinctively hooks her legs around my waist, keeping her arms around my neck, fingers toying and teasing through my hair. I walk with her across the yard, up onto the deck, and inside. She rests her forehead on mine, taking slow, deep breaths.
She twists to glance down the hallway at my open door, then back to me, frowning. "I don't know if I'm ready to—"
I nip her lower lip with my teeth, silencing her. "Ssshhh. Just trust me, Ember."
She hesitates, and then nods. "Okay." A breath. "Okay. I do. I trust you."
I sit on my couch, and now she's straddling me. I frame her face, pull her down.
Touch her lips with mine.
"We'll just start here," I breathe. "Just a kiss. Nice and slow."
I feel her lips curve against mine. "This…I can do."
Twenty
EMBER
His lips are divine.
I focus on physical sensation, blocking out the war of thoughts and feelings in my mind and heart. Focus on the soft, wet slide of his lips on mine, the heat of his mouth, the tender delicate probe of his tongue. His hands in my hair, thumbs on my cheeks, temples. His powerful, thick thighs beneath me, brawny arms around me.
