Page 134 of Light in the Dark
She pushes my face up so she can look at me. "I love you, Felix." She dissolves into giggles. "We made a bit of a mess."
Twenty-Two
EMBER
Felix rolls us to the side, out of the gigantic wet spot I made on his bed, placing me prone on his body. Mortified, I know my face has to be beet red—it's hot and burny.
I cover my face with both hands and bury my face in his chest. "I'm sorry about your bed," I whisper.
He laughs. "Oh hell no, Ember. Iknowyou're not apologizing right now."
I lift up and peek at him through my fingers, all my weight on my elbows, which are digging into his pecs…not that he seems to notice or care. "You're gonna need a new mattress. I just peed everywhere."
"You didn't pee, you squirted. And it was hot as fuck."
I put my face in his hot hard muscle again. "Which is peeing."
"No, it's not. I…never mind."
I roll off of him and curl into the sheltered nook of his arm and body, my cheek on his heartbeat. "No, say it."
"It's not the kind of thing you say in bed with your girlfriend after the best sex of your life," he says.
My heart stops beating for a second. "Wait, hold on. Two things. One…girlfriend? And two, best sex of your life?"
"Yes." There's no question or hesitation in his voice. "Unless you have an objection, then yes, you're my girlfriend. I don't go around telling random hookups that I love them and from what you've told me, you've never had a random hookup. I really doubt you'd tell me you love me if it wasn't true." His long, strong arm cradles me to him, his hand resting on the swell of my hip. "And yes, best sex of my life. Hands down, not even close."
My heart is pounding. "I…" Now that I'm no longer consumed by the most wildly intense and all-devouring sexual desperation for all things Felix, it's harder to ignore the gut-churning panic in my belly.
I told him I love him.
I search myself, terrified at what I'll find when I knock down the last of the walls around the emotions that I've been compartmentalizing for so many months. The guilt is there—I've moved on. I don't really counthim—my actual first—as a sexual partner; that was…something else. Dutchie was my first. My first love and my first lover. The first man I gave myself to fully and truly and willingly. And then he died, and now I've taken another lover. But the guilt is…tolerable. I know I haven't betrayed Dutchie. This is what he wanted for me. What he made me promise I'd do. So the guilt is just…what?
Why do I still feel any guilt at all?
Because I'm scared of moving on. I'm scared that I have, and that Dutchie will eventually just be a memory.
But…he already is. He's my past, now. Part of me—an integral, vital part. One that Felix understands and accepts without reservation or hesitation.
What else do I feel?
I glance up at Felix; his eyes are closed, but I know he's not asleep. "Fee?"
He only lets out a long, happy exhale, a small smile on his face, his hand cupping my hip, caressing my ass, my thigh, and my side. "You need a minute." It's a statement, not a question.
"I just…I've got a lot of complicated feelings."
"I know." He pats my butt. "So take your time. I'm not going anywhere. I'm not asleep. I'm just chillin'."
I settle into his chest and close my eyes, letting the steady drumming of his heartbeat lull me into a Zen-like state of drowsy thoughtfulness.
I told him I love him. Is it true? Or was it just the intensity of the moment? The heightened madness of my sexuality? Because it did feel like craziness. Not mindless, just…wild. Not out of control…just a frenzy that demanded release. A ravenous hunger that demanded satiation. And Felix gave me what I needed. What I’ve needed for so very long.
He gave me space to express my sexuality without being threatened or intimidated by it. More, he craved it. He got off on it.
So was it just sex?
No.
